The voice of A/B is guaranteed to win.
The reason for the negative heading for today’s journal entry is purely to remind myself of the urgency to change my destructive core beliefs. I really do not know how to uproot these beliefs. I’ve seen them proven right so many times and the most modern cultures in the modern world will be in agreement with me. So, amidst all these so called “fake truths” I will be searching for the lies. It feels like I am fighting against my very being. I have to tell myself that the moon was made out of cheese after all, and that what I learned at school about the moon was wrong. That’s the struggle I’m facing today going forward. To make matters worse, every time I turn on the television, read a magazine or look at billboard signs next to the road, I’m reminded that thin is good, thin is attractive, and thin is successful. I am basically telling millions of people that they are all wrong. Sound ridiculous!
I hate people who can eat anything their heart desires and remain thin…..that’s just plain unfair! I can hardly look at a cupcake and the pounds packs on my body. But, I’m not allowed to restrict and should be able to eat anything as long as the portions are correct. But at the same time, I’m not allowed to measure my portion; I should simply listen to my body.
Unfortunately my body stopped trying to get my attention. Over the years I managed to ignore its calls for nourishment and hunger pains gave me pleasure. So, I suppose my body has to now learn to trust me again.
Anyway, I’m not giving up and I will continue to fight the voice of a/b with all my strength. Who would have thought that an eating disorder can become so part of who I am that I’m sure it has become a part of my DNA. I suppose one becomes what one believes and it all started with lies!!!!
The world is still spreading these lies, and more and more people are falling victim to this. What happened to just being happy about the fact that I’m unique; that I have hope in life and that people are to be loved just as they are.
It’s just an idealistic dream. Not practical in the cold, hateful, materialistic world I live in today. Al I want is to be accepted for who I am and to be loved. I don’t think this is too much to ask.
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