Anorexia/Bulimia The demon AB defeated!!

 I know that some of you were left confused in the way my last post ended so many years ago. It was an especially dark and difficult time and I didn’t want to give AB a voice on this blog, plus I was too weak to shut him up.

My subsequent silence may have caused some of you to lose hope, and for this, I am truly sorry.

Oh, how dark and lonely the valley where AB dwells is. There is no light, no hope, and no joy in that place.

If you are there today, do not give up. His valley is filled will lies, deceptions, clever arguments, constant noise, constant bullying, constant hatred, loneliness, and pain. It is NOT your home! You need to fight to get out of AB’s grip.

Today I can happily report to all of you that Freedom is something worth fighting for!

The voice of Anorexia/Bulimia is silent and has been silent for some years now. AB is gone…defeated. I am free! The funny thing is that I am even struggling to remember everything. It's clear that AB is something that can leave its victim so permanently and so completely that one’s personality and identity can breathe again. It’s also very hard for me to recall AB’s lies now.

I am happy, healthy, and whole today. I enjoy being with my family and loved ones. I love life and the challenges it brings.

The secret to my freedom can be found in learning and believing the truth that Jesus speaks about you. Try to find Jesus’s truth for every statement AB makes, even if you think it's true, even if AB produces factual proof to back up his statement. He is a cunning liar. But still a LIAR.

It is only in catching AB out on the lie, that takes his strength away. AB needs you to believe him in order to remain rapped around you. That is his only strength. You have to search and fight against AB’s lies. He can not allow you to know the truth…ever.

Let me tell you what the truth is as someone who when through this struggle as you are now.

You are so awesome, beautiful, and special. You are loved. You are talented. You are created in the image of God. You have so much potential and hope, and you most certainly have an amazing future to look forward to. “Thin” is not the answer. Being thin is not the answer to happiness and acceptance.

Now let me tell you what AB is.

The demon AB (Anorexia/Bulimia) is nothing without you. It’s weak and jealous of you. It has no strength apart from what you give him when you believe his lies.

It longs to be you. It hates itself. It hates its own thinness and needs to transfer its unhappiness to you. AB is a sad, pathetic demon so very desperate to be like you. It will say and do anything to be your “friend” just to control, bully, belittle and destroy you. This is AB. This is the truth about your enemy. Our enemy.

Never stop fighting. You are so much more powerful in Jesus.

You are loved!

Darkness

It’s been more than two years now since ringing the bell and leaving the rehabilitation facility and I find myself seriously taking stock of where I’ve been and where I’m at today.

The questions are simple. Did I relapse? Did anything change? Have I found the ever so elusive state of peace and happiness I so very much crave?

These questions might sound simple, but they are certainly not so easily answered. I remember ringing the bell which symbolised the completion of the rehabilitation program and the beginning of a new life. I rang it three times, shouting with each GONG: One for the Past! One for the Present! One for the future!

At that moment it felt like the past was dealt with. The present was one of victory and the future adorned with hope. It was one of the best days of my life and I shan’t forget it ever.

So let’s take stock:

Note: Starting out doing everything I should have done doesn’t count. If I stopped anywhere in the timeline, it is as good as having done nothing at all.

1.       Did I starve myself?                                                                                       No

2.       Did I stick to my eating plan?                                                                       No

3.       Did I regularly visit my psychologist?                                                         No

4.       Did I continue with my 12 step program?                                                 No

5.       Did I adjust my eating habits?                                                                     No

6.       Did I attend group session’s specific to eating disorders?                      No

7.    Did I regularly visit with a dietician?                                                           No

The next questions are about my emotional state.

1.       Do I like myself more?                                                                                   A little

2.       Do I like my reflection better?                                                                     No

3.       Do I want to lose weight?                                                                             Yes

4.       Do I have hope?                                                                                              No

5.       Do I want to recover?                                                                                    Yes

6.       Do I believe that I will ever recover?                                                          No

7.       Did I find peace?                                                                                             No

It’s too depressing continuing with this. It’s hopeless………………………………………………….

How can I recover that which was stolen so long ago? How can one fix a broken soul? How can I return to my original mental state? How can I just be at peace and happy? How can I stop remembering the past which is tormenting my thoughts day and night?

I fear that all hope has faded away in to utter darkness, and now all that remain is fear, sadness, regret, resentment, anger and the worst of all…………loneliness.