I need what A/B has to offer: CONTROL!

There is still a function for a/b in my life.

I thought I had all my bases covered. I thought I had the voice of a/b figured out and I became over confident.

Little did I know, the hold that anorexia/bulimia has over me, extends further into my essence than what I realized. I still need it. I still trust it. I still listen to its voice and I am so afraid of letting him go!

Why?!

Because it offers above average control, which I need to cope with the constant anxiety I am feeling. The fear of not being able to provide for my family, fear of losing all that I have worked for all my life. Fear of exposing my weaknesses and showing the world how absolutely vulnerable I actually am. How scared I am of poverty, of losing those I love and of disappointing those I come in contact with. I just want everyone to be happy. I just want control of my surroundings.

I just want to be happy and not scared anymore!!!

A/B is helping me cope with this constant undertone of fear and anxiety created by past experiences. As soon as I become anxious, I start the create order around me in an attempt to numb the pain of my fears. I take control of everything I can control in order for me to cope with that which I can’t control.

 I can’t fight against a/b in this regard. I still need this extreme control which only a/b can offer me.

I wish I could just trust and move on, but a/b has helped me for most of my life to cope with shock upon shock. Through deaths of two of my parents, through looking after my mother, through having to make it on my own after school. Through looking for work and being rejected over and over again. Not being able to study due to poverty. Through a failed marriage and now in a job which doesn’t fulfill me and with a son I have to see suffer due to poverty and my mistakes. I need a/b to toughen me up and to make me hard. This is the only way I can face the hurt, pain and guilt I am feeling. I hate myself for needing a/b, but I do! I do!

What is the way out? I don’t know. All I know is that I need a/b’s control in order to survive. I do not want to face the hurt on my own.

I am so afraid………