Back from the Dead

Back from the dead

I made the decision not to publish my last journal entry on this blog. This wasn’t an easy decision for me, but due to the fact that the voice of anorexia/bulimia was so very strong in my entry, I thought it would probably influence the reader in a severe way, especially if the reader suffers from anorexia/bulimia.

I also thought screw a/b. My journal will not be a medium for him to spread his lies and poison. I believe that it would be counterproductive for my recovery, to allow the voice of a/b to take control of my journaling process.

Anyway…..

This past weekend was one of the toughest yet! The voice of a/b got so loud that I felt hopeless, powerless and smashed to the ground. I could not believe the thoughts that ran through my head this past Sunday. Thoughts of suicide by starving, thoughts of being crazy and useless! My head pounded with pain most of the day and as my mind systematically became weaker and weaker, I became almost non responsive. I could hardly hear when people spoke to me. All my head space was consumed with the voice of a/b and I actually thought of giving in to his demands and arguments.

All the normal disengagement techniques that I used and which worked in the past, had no effect on a/b whatsoever. He came from all sides and like I mentioned before, I wanted to revert back to a/b’s way, but to the extreme of simply never eating again……Crazy as it may sound, I actually got excited by the thought of death by starvation. NUTS!!

Perhaps other people can relate, but for now I feel kind of alone even though I have got to believe that I’m not.

I’m also extremely anxious at times and struggle to focus on my work…..which makes me more anxious, it’s a vicious circle. As a result I couldn’t journal as often as I would have liked to but I suppose that looking forward is a better option than looking back.

I can certainly understand why around 50% of all eating disorder deaths are due to suicide. Anorexia/bulimia will use self-hatred and self-rejection against its victims or “hosts”, which will eventually kill them. A/B is most definitely not my friend and I am slowly but surely seeing his true colors. Anorexia/Bulimia has not interest in my friendship. It simply wants to murder me.

I hate you A/B and I know that I will be free of you soon. You are a liar and a fake. You are pathetic!

I’m back from the dead and still standing. I will fight and fight against you until you are destroyed!