Mirror, Mirror on the wall……..
I have serious difficulty coping with my reflection. This is an aspect of a/b that has not become weaker at all. My reflection has always grossed me out and I can’t stand catching a glimpse of me.
Why can’t I see what others see? Why do I feel like a beached whale? Why do I feel dirty inside? Why do I feel so guilty for eating? I ate according to my meal plan. I ate relatively slowly, but still I feel like I’ve eaten a horse.
Okay, time to retrace my steps. Where did it start?
Directly after dinner I spoke about how I enjoyed feeling my ribs and hip bones back in the day. I became excited about having that feeling again and then I could see my reflection……………….say no more.
I feel extremely fat and bloated. I want to feel empty again. I remember feeling hungry and although it was very hard, I felt so good about myself. I mean, how many people can do what I can do. Restricting food when there is an abundance of it all around me isn’t near impossible. But not for me. Hunger is a horrible and heavenly feeling. Horrible, because I am hungry!!!!! Heavenly, because the self-control and light/empty feeling, is so very empowering for me. I feel great!! I don’t think anyone can get use to hunger pains, but I became better and better at blocking the negative feelings associated with hunger. It was all good.
Anyway, I feel heavy tonight and think I will go to bed early. I hope to feel lighter and thinner tomorrow morning.
I guess a/b’s back…….
Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
Will I ever love my self at all?
Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am the ugliest of them all!!!
ReplyDeleteFor the little bit I have worked out in the last 17 years it is pretty much that mirrors - even in this state which sometimes feels like recovery - is that the mirror, any mirror is not made to be a friend...It is very much a hate hate relationship...Same goes for photo's.
What I would not do to see myself through another's eyes, even if just for a moment - to see something that is not hideous or fat. For my perception to be the reflection that is there, so that I can stop being scared...To not see someone at least 4 times bigger, to be able to buy clothes that fit because I can see me properly.
It is exhausting. This is exhausting, a/b is exhausting - fighting my own rhetoric and the voice in my head that gives me so little peace...The voice in my head that sounds so much like me, i am sure that it is some days.
And then to scramble back for the control...The one thing that keeps me stuck and true to this fake best friend of mine. It's knowing I can do what so few manage to do, that after a day I don't even feel the hunger anymore - just the pleasure. Pleasure in control, and if I must be brutally honest a pleasure in the pain - in the knowing I am hurting myself. That I am doing what needs to be done to be perfect. Knowing I can punish myself for not being that way already.
And no, it's not that am not trying..It's that I can see the fat in my arms...That everyone keeps denying is there...But I see it all the same...I hate that confusion, of not knowing if it's me lying to me or them lying to me - scared of making it worse...
Tonight we fought over my a/b...They don't understand...and it makes me cross...I know it's nobody's fault, that I don't make it easy...But they forget i am an individual and what i have is different...it's my a/b, not theirs...and there is no a+b=fixed....
Today has been enough...Will start again tomorrow and maybe then that person staring back at me will be a little more me...I feel so all over the place tonight...
I also know that this is not everyday...That at some point mirrors have to be braved and that eventually I will have to give up my friend completely. Tonight that is an overwhelming thought - but it certainly isn't everyday...There are times I can do it, it is getting to the point where I never have to... I know that most days now I win, today is not one of them...
Tomorrow we try again...Because if nothing else there is always hope...If nothing else you have reminded me of that...Bad days and good days alike...