Irrational Thoughts of A/B

Irrational thoughts of the voice of Anorexia/Bulimia

After my session with my psychologist yesterday, I battled to focus on anything, let alone journaling. Anyway, I feel a little better today and thought I should journal my thoughts.

We discussed one of my core beliefs; the thought that I am a joke and that no one have or ever will take me seriously, including my psychologist, psychiatrist and to a certain extent, my dietician. If only I could have been a better Anorexic. If only I could have been at deaths door, perhaps then I will be taken seriously. Everybody knows that there is nothing wrong with me. However, they humor me and find me an interesting case study. I feel I can’t trust anyone and that I am alone. To be loved means I have to earn it and I don’t deserve anything. What a loser. What a wane be!

My psychologist mentioned the fact that this core belief is creating distrust between us and will counter my recovery process. So, she asked the question whether it could possibly be the voice of a/b telling me that no one’s taking me seriously. Perhaps it’s a/b who is fighting against my recovery. Perhaps a/b’s telling me that I am not a worthy anorexic and that I once again do not deserve treatment.

One characteristic of the voice of a/b is that nothing I do is ever good enough. It requires always more, better, thinner, smarter etc. and as soon as I think I might have made it, it moves the goalposts just a little further.

So, it seems I have a problem. Even though I counter irrational thoughts with better, more rational ones it doesn’t really help because I believe the irrational thought more. The irrational thought has become my CORE BELIEF. How will I now counter these thoughts? I have no idea. It seems that the voice of a/b has become part of me to some degree. How do I separate me from myself?

My psychologist has a few tricks up her sleeve, or so I hope. All I know is that the voice of a/b has done more damage to me than what I originally thought and for the first time, I really feel CRAZY!