Darkness

It’s been more than two years now since ringing the bell and leaving the rehabilitation facility and I find myself seriously taking stock of where I’ve been and where I’m at today.

The questions are simple. Did I relapse? Did anything change? Have I found the ever so elusive state of peace and happiness I so very much crave?

These questions might sound simple, but they are certainly not so easily answered. I remember ringing the bell which symbolised the completion of the rehabilitation program and the beginning of a new life. I rang it three times, shouting with each GONG: One for the Past! One for the Present! One for the future!

At that moment it felt like the past was dealt with. The present was one of victory and the future adorned with hope. It was one of the best days of my life and I shan’t forget it ever.

So let’s take stock:

Note: Starting out doing everything I should have done doesn’t count. If I stopped anywhere in the timeline, it is as good as having done nothing at all.

1.       Did I starve myself?                                                                                       No

2.       Did I stick to my eating plan?                                                                       No

3.       Did I regularly visit my psychologist?                                                         No

4.       Did I continue with my 12 step program?                                                 No

5.       Did I adjust my eating habits?                                                                     No

6.       Did I attend group session’s specific to eating disorders?                      No

7.    Did I regularly visit with a dietician?                                                           No

The next questions are about my emotional state.

1.       Do I like myself more?                                                                                   A little

2.       Do I like my reflection better?                                                                     No

3.       Do I want to lose weight?                                                                             Yes

4.       Do I have hope?                                                                                              No

5.       Do I want to recover?                                                                                    Yes

6.       Do I believe that I will ever recover?                                                          No

7.       Did I find peace?                                                                                             No

It’s too depressing continuing with this. It’s hopeless………………………………………………….

How can I recover that which was stolen so long ago? How can one fix a broken soul? How can I return to my original mental state? How can I just be at peace and happy? How can I stop remembering the past which is tormenting my thoughts day and night?

I fear that all hope has faded away in to utter darkness, and now all that remain is fear, sadness, regret, resentment, anger and the worst of all…………loneliness.