From Worthless to Worthwhile

From worthless to worthwhile

Worthless:

My eating disorder is based on the need for acceptance, love and self-worth. What that means is that I learned from a very young age that society judges an individual by what they see i.e. “You are what you eat” or “A healthy body houses a health spirit”. So, it is obvious that if I eat fat I am fat and that a fat body houses a poor, sickly, useless and undisciplined spirit. You see what I mean……….?

I was slightly overweight as a young teenager and as such was never good enough and people weren’t shy to comment that I should lose some weight. The people who made these comments, where thin, athletic, successful and attractive. Where my family was poor, these “perfect” people seemed to have it all. The voice of anorexia/bulimia used this fact to “prove” that fat made me bad, stupid, ugly, worthless and hopeless. It seduced me by instilling the belief that if I lost weight, I would be like them, “perfect, beautiful, intelligent and successful”.

So, as long as I wasn’t as slim and fit and tall as them, I was worthless, and since then, from the age of 15 until today, age 34, I felt worthless. That’s 19years of self-hatred and self-rejection.

The thought that I lost out on enjoying my teens and twenties, flares up deep anger and regret.

How could I have been so stupid? Why did these so called “perfect” people not know what they were doing to me? How could adults allow their children to think this way?

No use crying over spilled milk. I need to reclaim the rest of my life and the time is now.

Worthwhile:

Who am I today?

I am a unique person. There has never, and will never be another person like me!

I am not perfect. But nobody is!

I have opportunities to live my life to the fullest.

I have people in my life that loves and accepts me for who I am. I do not need pro a/b people in my life. There are enough anti-a/b people I can choose from.

I have inner strength. The fight against anorexia/bulimia proves this.

I have hope!!! Every day is one step closer to freedom.

I can love.

So, how can anybody be worthless when they are unique? There is only one of me! Only one who can be who I am! How can I be worthless? According to what standard? According to who’s opinion?

No! I am worthwhile just like I am. I am worthwhile by just being me!

Another Battle Won!

Another battle won!

In my previous journal entry, I’ve mentioned that I was expecting an attack from anorexia/bulimia during the past weekend. Well, my words wasn’t even cold yet, when the voice of a/b took me up on the challenge.

It’s hard to explain the feeling when the attack happens, but I will try…

First something will trigger me i.e. a place, a person, a taste, an argument, or even just a look from another person. The voice of a/b will then immediately take its opportunity to remind me of just how despicable and ugly and fat and useless and worthless I am. It then simply takes my hand and gently whispers in my ear that the solution to my predicament is simple; Lose weight, and I, a/b can help you do it.

 A/B then reminds me of the times when I was well under its spell and how “in control and happy” I was. It reminds me that the only way to a happy future is by following its demands. It worked in the past, it will work again……. This is a lie! It didn’t work. I just ended up hurting my body and my family. A/B’s answer will then be: “Nothing worthwhile comes easy. It takes dedication, discipline and courage to achieve a worthy place in society and this is not for losers and weaklings. Perhaps you are just too useless to even do such a little thing as to not eat. You deserve to be a joke and a fat ass”.

This is an example of just one of a/b’s many approaches and how hurtful the voice of anorexia/bulimia can be. It gets worse, to such an extent that one starts thinking of suicide and self-harm. The pain and hunger one feels is easier to bear than the constant emotional abuse which the voice of a/b inflicts on a person.

So this past weekend it happened again. Just like the weekend before. The voice of a/b attacked without warning. My trigger was a mirror in the escalator at our local mall. This was followed by an incredible intense awareness of my body and I started to frantically compare myself with other people in the mall. The voice of a/b will point out certain aspects of someone’s body and immediately refer to my own body as not good enough. Whether it was male or female didn’t matter, all I started doing was measuring and dressing, undressing and even weighing these people in my mind. I just didn’t fit. I felt like hiding out of sight.

So, how can I title today’s journal entry as “another battle won”? Because I didn’t lose!!!!!!

Being attached by the voice of a/b is not the problem. It’s how I deal with it which causes me to suffer defeat or triumph in victory. And every time I win, the stronger I get, the weaker a/b gets and that’s all that matters.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s incredibly hard and I can now understand why I lost so many battles in the past. No! It’s not easy, but, it’s not impossible!

My strength lays in the fact that I am eating and my body is feeling great. I know how my body felt when I wasn’t eating and I have learned of the damage I have done to my body. I know that my metabolism slows down when I don’t eat and that by eating regular balanced meals throughout the day will increase my metabolism which is healthier for the body. 

This is a practical example of how I counter a/b’s rhetoric and arguments. So, in spite of the assault from a/b, I once again continued eating according to my meal plan and anyone who struggles with a/b will agree that this is a major victory.

My body feels fine today, I feel good and am looking forward to the day when a/b finally packs its backs and leave.

The ultimate victory is yet to be won!

Biting The Hand That Starves Me

Biting the hand that starves me

After the incredible assault from the voice of anorexia/bulimia last weekend, I’m prepared for anything this weekend. However, I feel stronger and much more determined to bite the hand that wants to starve me.

I realize that anorexia/bulimia’s arguments are constant and repetitive i.e. he tries to convince me that I am a sorry excuse for a human being and that I need anorexia/bulimia to fix me, so that I can regain self-respect and meaning. But this is a lie! I don’t need a/b in my life to feel better about myself. On the contrary, I need to get rid of a/b if I want to regain a happy and content life. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this…….. This must be a victory!!!! And this is how I have been feeling since Monday morning, the day after my struggle.

It is possible to beat a/b! I can see hope now!

There is no secret to fighting back. Just like anyone would kick and scream and claw at anybody who threatens once life, so it works with the voice of a/b. When it approaches me with its rhetoric and seduction I simply have to not give in to his arguments even when he seems right and especially when he offers proof of what its saying. I don’t care how true a/b sounds, I have to remember that he is a deceiver and a killer with only danger, pain and sadness in store for me. It is of course much more difficult as it sounds and I am not denying the overwhelming assault by a/b, but I am saying that victory is possible. I believe it because I have now experienced it firsthand. I had no idea that it would even be possible. After all, so many people stay trapped under a/b’s spell for years, even after rehab or personal near death experiences.

I can understand the hold a/b can have on a person especially when the person has deep emotional scars and unresolved pain. A/B offers relief of the pain and hope in a world where we are constantly rejected and belittle by others.

Well, I am not allowing my life to be stolen from me any longer. I have lost most of my youth to this pathetic thing called a/b and I am taking control from today. Anxiety is still there, A/B is still trying to seduce me and people still make comments towards me in “ignorance”. Can I change that? No! Can I control others? No!

But, can I work on knowing and loving myself again? Absolutely YES!!!!! Can I be loving to others and to my own body? Yes! And can I help others who are stuck in the same prison? Absolutely YES!!

So this is my strategy going forward:

1.       Work on knowing and understanding my enemy a/b

2.       Work on knowing an understanding my friend, Me.

3.       Sharing my experience with others in order for others to find hope, life and freedom.

I can’t remember the time when I felt this optimistic and hopeful. I hope every prisoner brakes free and find the joy, peace and grace which I can taste already.

Back from the Dead

Back from the dead

I made the decision not to publish my last journal entry on this blog. This wasn’t an easy decision for me, but due to the fact that the voice of anorexia/bulimia was so very strong in my entry, I thought it would probably influence the reader in a severe way, especially if the reader suffers from anorexia/bulimia.

I also thought screw a/b. My journal will not be a medium for him to spread his lies and poison. I believe that it would be counterproductive for my recovery, to allow the voice of a/b to take control of my journaling process.

Anyway…..

This past weekend was one of the toughest yet! The voice of a/b got so loud that I felt hopeless, powerless and smashed to the ground. I could not believe the thoughts that ran through my head this past Sunday. Thoughts of suicide by starving, thoughts of being crazy and useless! My head pounded with pain most of the day and as my mind systematically became weaker and weaker, I became almost non responsive. I could hardly hear when people spoke to me. All my head space was consumed with the voice of a/b and I actually thought of giving in to his demands and arguments.

All the normal disengagement techniques that I used and which worked in the past, had no effect on a/b whatsoever. He came from all sides and like I mentioned before, I wanted to revert back to a/b’s way, but to the extreme of simply never eating again……Crazy as it may sound, I actually got excited by the thought of death by starvation. NUTS!!

Perhaps other people can relate, but for now I feel kind of alone even though I have got to believe that I’m not.

I’m also extremely anxious at times and struggle to focus on my work…..which makes me more anxious, it’s a vicious circle. As a result I couldn’t journal as often as I would have liked to but I suppose that looking forward is a better option than looking back.

I can certainly understand why around 50% of all eating disorder deaths are due to suicide. Anorexia/bulimia will use self-hatred and self-rejection against its victims or “hosts”, which will eventually kill them. A/B is most definitely not my friend and I am slowly but surely seeing his true colors. Anorexia/Bulimia has not interest in my friendship. It simply wants to murder me.

I hate you A/B and I know that I will be free of you soon. You are a liar and a fake. You are pathetic!

I’m back from the dead and still standing. I will fight and fight against you until you are destroyed!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Mirror, Mirror on the wall……..

I have serious difficulty coping with my reflection. This is an aspect of a/b that has not become weaker at all. My reflection has always grossed me out and I can’t stand catching a glimpse of me.

Why can’t I see what others see? Why do I feel like a beached whale? Why do I feel dirty inside? Why do I feel so guilty for eating? I ate according to my meal plan. I ate relatively slowly, but still I feel like I’ve eaten a horse.

Okay, time to retrace my steps. Where did it start?

Directly after dinner I spoke about how I enjoyed feeling my ribs and hip bones back in the day. I became excited about having that feeling again and then I could see my reflection……………….say no more.

I feel extremely fat and bloated. I want to feel empty again. I remember feeling hungry and although it was very hard, I felt so good about myself. I mean, how many people can do what I can do. Restricting food when there is an abundance of it all around me isn’t near impossible. But not for me. Hunger is a horrible and heavenly feeling. Horrible, because I am hungry!!!!! Heavenly, because the self-control and light/empty feeling, is so very empowering for me. I feel great!! I don’t think anyone can get use to hunger pains, but I became better and better at blocking the negative feelings associated with hunger. It was all good.

Anyway, I feel heavy tonight and think I will go to bed early. I hope to feel lighter and thinner tomorrow morning.

I guess a/b’s back…….

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,

Will I ever love my self at all?

Taking Stock: A/B vs ME

Taking Stock

Okay, it’s time to take stock of where I am on my journey to freedom so far. What have I learned about the voice of anorexia/bulimia? What support do I have? What weakness has a/b shown? What strategic anti-a/b position can I take to further assist me in my escape?

I have learned about the voice of a/b:

1.       He is a deceiver. Mixing truth with lies. (strength)

2.       He gets aggressive when a prisoner tries to escape (strength)

3.       He makes promises of happiness which he never keeps (weakness)

4.       He hates all forms of fat (Strength)

5.       He loves numbers i.e. counting calories, kilograms, pounds, inches, centimeters etc. (strength)

6.       He loves making me feel worthless, dependent, fat, and ugly and like a joke. (strength)

7.       He hates being seen and exposed (weakness)

8.       He has most of society and the media believing and advocating his lies. (Strength)

9.       He hates me (weakness)

I have learned about me:

1.       I can identify the voice of a/b. (Strength)

2.       I recognize him in society and the media. Even in conversations with friends. (strength)

3.       I have anti-a/b allies. True friends who care for and support me. (strength)

4.       I can be healthier by eating balanced and regularly (strength)

5.       I can eat anything including cake, ice cream, chocolate etc. Moderation and balance is the key. (Strength)

6.       I don’t care to know my weight (Strength)

7.       I can fight back (Strength)

8.       I can escape if I wanted to (Strength)

9.       I don’t hate a/b enough (Weakness)

10.   I’m afraid of being alone and without control (Weakness)

11.   Pain sometimes still feels good. (Weakness)

Wow! Doing it this way makes me realize how strong I have become! :-)

But I can also see where I am still weak and it is clear that I need to continue working on my core beliefs. I think that breaking my deceptive core beliefs will be the final blow to the wall of this a/b prison and freedom will be sure.

I so wish I can take all the other prisoners with me on the day of my escape.

Why not join me? There’s room for everybody!!

Feeling Bad for not Feeling Bad

Feeling bad for not feeling bad…..

What a strange feeling to feel bad for not feeling bad today?? Perhaps I have gotten so used to the constant self-rejection and self-criticism that I now have no idea what to do with feeling okay. Perhaps the voice of a/b is whispering softly that I am not good enough for him and a hopeless loser? I find it difficult to hear its voice although I know it must be the voice of a/b telling me that I should feel bad for feeling good.

Could this be a new strategy on a/b’s part? All I know is the anxiety is still hanging around in the back ground. I’m anxious because I don’t know what to expect. Is this the quiet before the storm? I hate to say this, but I feel more in control when I hear the voice of a/b clearly. I just feel better when I know where he is hiding.

I must admit that as much as I want a/b gone, I’m afraid of being alone, left to fight against life on my own. Why do I feel like I’m betraying a friend? His not my friend………or is he?

I have not done anything drastic to make him hide away. I have not done anything different the last couple of days that would explain the silence. I feel anxious………

I hope a/b is not planning a surprise attack because I don’t need it, not now. I’m finally getting to a place where I feel like some things are falling in place.

It’s really weird not feeling the presence of a/b…………………….

I wonder if any other people suffering from eating disorders experience the same thing??

Ps. it’s weighing day again today and I once again didn’t ask whether I’m up or down, although I am curious to know. I don’t think I ever want to know again.

A Quiet Day

A little rest

The voice of a/b has been quiet today. What a relief! I suppose no one can carry on yapping forever, and a/b can yap!

Anyway, I feel good today. I can focus on my work. The headaches aren’t as bad as yesterday and I feel rather okay. I am aware of anxiety lingering in the back ground, like the calm after the storm but you are not sure if the storm is completely over or not. Anxiety feels like a constant presence, always near.

I have gotten so use to anxiety that I don’t really recognize it as something alien to me anymore. My psychologist had to point it out to me. I wasn’t even aware of anxiety having anything to do with my eating disorder. I was so surprised, but I see things a lot clearer today. Basically what happens is, when things get out of control in my day, stress and anxiety increases. My ritual will then start by me trying to create order around me i.e. cleaning and rearranging my study or work. Once some order has been achieved I automatically feel less anxious which is great. The problem is that by trying to control my external environment, I’m setting myself up for anxiety to return because the only constant in life is change and there is nothing I can do about it. So, I suppose I learned how to control my weight, after all, all I have to do is keep my mouth closed. How difficult is that? I feel in control, people rave when I lose weight and I feel better about myself. The world can come to an end, I’m at peace. Presto!!

Now that I can’t control my body I’m back to square one, trying to figure out how I can regain that feeling of control and peace using other ways. I still have to find that answer……..

I am constantly aware of my restless legs, twitchy fingers and racing thoughts. I feel like a jack in a box just waiting for the lid to open which will release all the tension and fear. What am I anxious about? Who knows? I have no idea. But it does explain how I can finish a plate of food without thinking or really tasting anything and in record time. I’m a sprint eater.

So that is my day for today. I’m enjoying the break……………

Ps. Perhaps A/B ‘s out with its girlfriend ribbbbecka as it is Valentine’s day. I wonder what they will be having for dinner????

I need what A/B has to offer: CONTROL!

There is still a function for a/b in my life.

I thought I had all my bases covered. I thought I had the voice of a/b figured out and I became over confident.

Little did I know, the hold that anorexia/bulimia has over me, extends further into my essence than what I realized. I still need it. I still trust it. I still listen to its voice and I am so afraid of letting him go!

Why?!

Because it offers above average control, which I need to cope with the constant anxiety I am feeling. The fear of not being able to provide for my family, fear of losing all that I have worked for all my life. Fear of exposing my weaknesses and showing the world how absolutely vulnerable I actually am. How scared I am of poverty, of losing those I love and of disappointing those I come in contact with. I just want everyone to be happy. I just want control of my surroundings.

I just want to be happy and not scared anymore!!!

A/B is helping me cope with this constant undertone of fear and anxiety created by past experiences. As soon as I become anxious, I start the create order around me in an attempt to numb the pain of my fears. I take control of everything I can control in order for me to cope with that which I can’t control.

 I can’t fight against a/b in this regard. I still need this extreme control which only a/b can offer me.

I wish I could just trust and move on, but a/b has helped me for most of my life to cope with shock upon shock. Through deaths of two of my parents, through looking after my mother, through having to make it on my own after school. Through looking for work and being rejected over and over again. Not being able to study due to poverty. Through a failed marriage and now in a job which doesn’t fulfill me and with a son I have to see suffer due to poverty and my mistakes. I need a/b to toughen me up and to make me hard. This is the only way I can face the hurt, pain and guilt I am feeling. I hate myself for needing a/b, but I do! I do!

What is the way out? I don’t know. All I know is that I need a/b’s control in order to survive. I do not want to face the hurt on my own.

I am so afraid………

Journal Entry of a 12 Year Old

The voice that makes it hard to eat

The following is a journal entry of a 12-year-old detailing the struggle a/b has with her psychologist.

Hi,

I wanted to talk to you about the voice that makes it hard to eat because it won’t shut up. I don’t think it likes you because it sure argues with what you say a lot. It seems right, even though I like what you say better. Your voice doesn’t give me a headache.

You said that I don’t need to do anything to make my friends like me and you said I’m not just a body. The voice that makes it hard to eat says that’s not true, that people do care about how you look and they won’t like me if I’m not thin because people don’t like and aren’t nice to people who are fat. You said I wasn’t fat. The voice says I am and that I would be happier, feel better, be healthier, and be liked more if I listen to it and not you.

It says it cares about me and is trying to help me. You said please don’t lose weight and that I’m not fat. The voice says that you have to say that stuff to be polite and not hurt my feelings and that’s not really what you think.

The voice says to look at the people who are happy, lovable and successful and they are all thin. I like you and the voice says that you are skinny and that’s the one thing you have going for you. When I listen to the voice my stomach hurts. You say it’s because I’m starving. It says it’s because I’m weak and that if I listen more, I will be stronger. The voice says that everything that’s good needs to be worked hard for and that’s the way life works.

The voice says everyone listens to it and believes it except you and that all I need to do is turn on the television and I will see how right it is because everyone who is happy, lovable, and successful is thin.

The voice says that feelings I had when my Dad called me “fatty” and when that stuff happened that made me want to hide and not be seen by anybody-it can make that feeling go away and I won’t ever feel it again. I like that idea……….

This journal entry could be my own. I'm amazed at the similarities! 

Can anyone relate? is the voice saying the same stuff to you?

Please comment.

Battle Plan

A salute to my fellow a/b fighters

To all those fighting for their very lives against the voice of Anorexia/Bulimia; I salute you!

Thank you first of all for all your comments on this blog. It’s such a privilege to hear from you and to relate to your personal struggle. It is a brutal fight and only I or A/B will remain standing.

The rehab where I was first introduced to the voice of a/b has the following slogan “Choose Life”!

That’s what it’s all about. It comes down to a decision only I can make. Do a want to live free, happy and at peace with myself and others? Well, then I must choose Life and absolutely reject the voice of anorexia/bulimia. I know that if I continue learning more and more about this enemy, I become more knowledgeable and empowered to fight back. But, make no mistake. A/B is nobody’s fool and it knows me better than I know myself. It will not be an easy victory, but it’s possible.

I need to position myself more strategically for the battle i.e. where I go, who I spend time with, what I eat, how much I eat, whether I have a routine or not and it’s imperative that I get enough rest. Sleep!!!!

The battle with a/b is in the mind. If the mind is tired due to lack of sleep, I’ve lost the battle even before it has started. It’s the tired days where I often lost the fight. Depression and anxiety follows and then a binge, starve ritual. So, I have to sleep to be battle fit every day.

I need to continue identifying and exposing the voice of a/b. This has proven to be a very effective weapon against this enemy. It seems that a/b needs me to believe that it’s all about me and that I’m once again in need of fixing. I’m not an anorexic! I’m not a bulimic! I’m a person with worth and hope who are in a battle with anorexia and bulimia.

I am better than a/b and it does not deserve to be part of my body and life.

I solute you my fellow fighters!!

TheIrrationality of the Voice of Anorexia/Bulimia

                                                       Fact from fiction

The facts are:                                                      The lies are:

I am unique                                                         I need to conform to a/b’s standard to be accepted.

I am a person of worth, just as I am                   thin equals worth

My body has suffered damage due to A/B         I will forever be useless and a broken person

I do not need to please people                           I will never be accepted and loved

I have people who really care about me            nobody takes me seriously; they think I’m a joke

I will be confronted with the voice of a/b          I will not be able to ever rid myself of its presence

I am not perfect                                                  A/B can help me accomplish perfection

I like food                                                            I will be fat

Food nourishes my body                                     the body is not worthy of life if it’s not thin

I can be a happy person                                      I will never be happy FAT!

These are a few thoughts I am challenging. I can clearly see the irrationality of the voice of a/b in the statements above. It still comes down to changing and ultimately eradicating my poisonous core beliefs.

It least I can see how irrational and fake the voice of a/b is and how silly it is to believe it………….

Can anyone relate???

A real victory. It is possible

Anorexia/Bulimia can be beaten!

I am really feeling exited today!

Yesterday, like every Wednesday was weighing day, and although I am not allowed to know any numbers, I am at least allowed to know whether my weight went up or down. Well, yesterday I didn’t want to know any details about the result at all. This was not because of fear, but rather in an attempt to take away any hold which the voice of a/b has over me. I understand that the voice of a/b operates through deception (See previous journal entries). So, to recap, what is a deception? It simply is a fact laced with a lie. So, How does the voice of a/b use this? If my weight went up, it would say that I am becoming a worse person and if it went down it would say that I am becoming a better person.

Simple!!!

So I decided not to even give a/b the chance to deceive me. I suppose this is a great victory in my struggle with this eating disorder. I am curios though, however, curiosity killed the cat; as they say.

I feel stronger every time I win a battle against a/b. I am getting stronger every day and I now truly believe that Anorexia/Bulimia can be beaten!

Never stop looking for the deception. Never stop fighting, never give up! A/B will not! One of us must die and it’s NOT going to be me!!

As i always say, there is always hope!

 i will live to tell the tale of how i beat anorexia/bulimia and so can anybody suffering under its rule!

To Get Up Again

A new day

Every day is a new beginning. I use to think like this every morning after the binge the night before. I am at my strongest in the mornings and weakest in the evenings. I wonder why that is? Anyway, today is a new day and I will once again pick myself up and continue the fight against a/b. It sure is a crazy roller-coaster ride. My stomach can’t handle the ups and downs and I sometimes feel like jumping off.

It seems the voice of a/b can also attack my loved ones, especially my anti-a/b allies. It creates misunderstandings, irritation and frustration between people. I suppose that must be what a parent of someone suffering from an eating disorder feels, and all that the voice of a/b has to tell me is that it’s my fault that the other person is suffering. It’s my fault for bringing a/b into the family. I’m the week one and should suffer alone. I made the choices affecting my life today. My loved ones do not deserve this pain which I am causing them. I should just stop eating altogether and die. Everybody will be able to then be happy and continue with their own lives.

But, this is the voice of a/b and my mission is to identify it in my thoughts. I should see it for what it is and refute its statements. Easier said than done, especially when I believe its statements from the onset. The fight is to separate myself from a/b’s truth, which is always a deception/lie. But when I’m week, I fall under its spell and become enslaved to a/b’s rules and regulations again.

Anyway, its morning and a new day and I will carry on fighting as hard as I can to free myself of a/b and the desperate need to have him in my life.

Alone

Alone

The war against the voice of a/b is mine and mine alone. I can’t expect others to “fix” me. It’s simply too hard. This battle requires endurance and above average strength. A/B is nobody’s fool and it’s most definitely not a walk in a park. I suppose that’s why so many eating disorder sufferers die. These deaths are a clear testimony of the sheer force of the voice of a/b.

I feel weak and alone tonight. My body feels dirty with the food inside it and no matter how long I shower or how hard I scrub my skin, the filth will not wash off. All I can think of is the need to feel hungry again, real hunger that requires self-control and discipline. I want to feel empty again, void of emotions and mental pain which only an empty stomach can deliver.

I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle……....come to thin k of it, I have yet to find a person who are actually cured. I don’t think that person exists. Am I disillusioned to think that I might even stand a chance to win this war? I’m starting to doubt myself.

I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I could be strong all the time, I wish I never fell prey to this evil called anorexia/bulimia. But, like a virus, it’s in and I can’t get it out.

I am so tired……………

Verbalize the voice of a/b to my allies

Communicate the voice of a/b to my allies

After last night’s a/b onslaught, I realized that I should always communicate what the voice of a/b tells me to my anti-a/b allies, even when it hurts them. Because, if I don’t verbalize its rhetoric, they will never know how to assist me. This is also the reason for making my journal public. Perhaps someone reading this will see the similarities with what the voice of a/b is telling them. Hopefully, it will help that person to see the truth.

So, communication and is one of the keys for an anti-a/b counter attack. It comes as no surprise that eating disorders are a “secret life”. A/B doesn’t want to be made public. Its strategy and nature is to always remain hidden, deep inside my mind. Almost like a secret friend who has the answer to all the questions of life. It tells me how good I am when I have control over my body, but always demands more of me. It’s like exercise, the more I do, the more I can do. I guess one can become so anorexic fit that one can literary starve oneself to death without blinking an eye. It becomes ones strength, even if it kills you.

There is no question that I am in the fight for my life. It’s going to be me or a/b. To be honest, I still need a/b in my life, although I know that it’s bad for me. I hate it……I need it…….I want it……………

I suppose it comes down to changing my core beliefs. Who knows if it’s even possible? I will be seeing my psychologist again today. Let’s hope she is smarter than a/b.

A/B is a genius!

Anti-A/B Allies

A friend of the voice of A/B is no friend of mine

I can’t stress enough the importance of anti-a/b allies in my life. In the quest to understand the word “ally”, I once again consulted my dictionary. “Ally”; a person who co-operates with me towards a common purpose. So, an anti-a/b ally is someone who disagrees with the rhetoric of the voice of a/b and who helps identify the deception of its lies. You see, I can’t always differentiate between truth and lie. Whether it is what someone says directly to me or even just the words they use to describe someone else. The voice of a/b always makes it about me.

The love and heartfelt support of my anti-a/b ally is the only feedback I try and believe when they tell me who I am and how they see me. Unfortunately I only have one person in my life I trust with my heart and who I will actually listen too. This person unfortunately carries the brunt of a/b’s argument i.e. this person helps me by managing my meal plan. It’s complicated with portion size, carbs, proteins, fats and vegetables calculations. I can’t be involved with my meal plan because of the fact that a/b loves control and numbers. Anyway, I asked the question after dinner tonight whether this person measured my meal and the reply was NO. I sat staring with shock and disbelief and the voice of a/b immediately started telling me again and again that I can’t trust anyone except it. A/B said that I should restrict immediately by only eating half of every meal. It tells me that this person is taking shortcuts and that I should break the bond of trust. I want to restrict again…………I know I shouldn’t but I need to know that there is control. Without controlling my weight, I have nothing!!!!

Even whilst writing todays journal, a/b’s rhetoric is racing in my head. I feel guilt that I put so much pressure on this ant-a/b ally of mine. I see the tears in her eyes and I just hate myself even more. I hate being awake when a/b carries on and on and on and on…………….

What will I do if it weren’t for allies? I can’t believe anything the world says because I don’t know whether it’s the voice of a/b or not. I just want to be left alone. I just want to lose weight!!!!!!!

The Fight

The fight

Last night I was once again in the fight for my life with the voice of a/b. The fight normally starts during sessions with any of my counselors. It seems they are all anti-a/b and that aggravates and frustrates the voice in my head. I suppose the pressure gets too much for a/b when they start challenging a/b’s rhetoric/beliefs.

It feels like they get a/b going and then leave me alone to fight. A/b’s rhetoric doesn’t stop until I fall asleep in the evenings. It questions everything. It tells me that I’m alone and that nobody cares. Thank you to those who supported me via Twitter last night. Your support gave me strength to fight on.

An eating disorder’s main strategy is isolation, and feeling alone is a devastating thought for me. A/B needs me to be alone and without any distractions for its voice to be loud and clear. My suggestion to anyone suffering from an eating disorder and who feels anti-social is to fight against the urge to isolate yourself by getting social, quickly. It’s very hard, but every time I manage to refute a/b’s will, I end up somehow winning.

It always helps talking to non-judgmental friends even when they don’t really understand my problem. The simple act of caring and listening helps a great deal. If I give into the need for isolation I would be missing out on this way out and I will be completely at the mercy of a/b. There is no mercy in a/b, only self-hatred, envy, judgment and pain.

I am emotionally tired today and hope to get a break.

A/B's Voice in Red

The voice of A/B is guaranteed to win.

The reason for the negative heading for today’s journal entry is purely to remind myself of the urgency to change my destructive core beliefs. I really do not know how to uproot these beliefs. I’ve seen them proven right so many times and the most modern cultures in the modern world will be in agreement with me. So, amidst all these so called “fake truths” I will be searching for the lies. It feels like I am fighting against my very being. I have to tell myself that the moon was made out of cheese after all, and that what I learned at school about the moon was wrong. That’s the struggle I’m facing today going forward. To make matters worse, every time I turn on the television, read a magazine or look at billboard signs next to the road, I’m reminded that thin is good, thin is attractive, and thin is successful. I am basically telling millions of people that they are all wrong. Sound ridiculous!

I hate people who can eat anything their heart desires and remain thin…..that’s just plain unfair! I can hardly look at a cupcake and the pounds packs on my body. But, I’m not allowed to restrict and should be able to eat anything as long as the portions are correct. But at the same time, I’m not allowed to measure my portion; I should simply listen to my body.

Unfortunately my body stopped trying to get my attention. Over the years I managed to ignore its calls for nourishment and hunger pains gave me pleasure. So, I suppose my body has to now learn to trust me again.

Anyway, I’m not giving up and I will continue to fight the voice of a/b with all my strength. Who would have thought that an eating disorder can become so part of who I am that I’m sure it has become a part of my DNA. I suppose one becomes what one believes and it all started with lies!!!!

The world is still spreading these lies, and more and more people are falling victim to this. What happened to just being happy about the fact that I’m unique; that I have hope in life and that people are to be loved just as they are.

It’s just an idealistic dream. Not practical in the cold, hateful, materialistic world I live in today. Al I want is to be accepted for who I am and to be loved. I don’t think this is too much to ask.

The Voice of Anorexia/Bulimia is Guaranteed to Win

The voice of A/B is guaranteed to win.

The reason for the negative heading for today’s journal entry is purely to remind myself of the urgency to change my destructive core beliefs. I really do not know how to uproot these beliefs. I’ve seen them proven right so many times and the most modern cultures in the modern world will be in agreement with me. So, amidst all these so called “fake truths” I will be searching for the lies. It feels like I am fighting against my very being. I have to tell myself that the moon was made out of cheese after all, and that what I learned at school about the moon was wrong. That’s the struggle I’m facing today going forward. To make matters worse, every time I turn on the television, read a magazine or look at billboard signs next to the road, I’m reminded that thin is good, thin is attractive, and thin is successful. I am basically telling millions of people that they are all wrong. Sound ridiculous!

I hate people who can eat anything their heart desires and remain thin…..that’s just plain unfair! I can hardly look at a cupcake and the pounds packs on my body. But, I’m not allowed to restrict and should be able to eat anything as long as the portions are correct. But at the same time, I’m not allowed to measure my portion; I should simply listen to my body.

Unfortunately my body stopped trying to get my attention. Over the years I managed to ignore its calls for nourishment and hunger pains gave me pleasure. So, I suppose my body has to now learn to trust me again.

Anyway, I’m not giving up and I will continue to fight the voice of a/b with all my strength. Who would have thought that an eating disorder can become so part of who I am that I’m sure it has become a part of my DNA. I suppose one becomes what one believes and it all started with lies!!!!

The world is still spreading these lies, and more and more people are falling victim to this. What happened to just being happy about the fact that I’m unique; that I have hope in life and that people are to be loved just as they are.

It’s just an idealistic dream. Not practical in the cold, hateful, materialistic world I live in today. Al I want is to be accepted for who I am and to be loved. I don’t think this is too much to ask.

Core Beliefs

Core Beliefs

What are core beliefs? Well, trying to understand the meaning, I consulted the Concise English Dictionary. I could not find “Core Beliefs” but n did find the word “Core” which means “The innermost or most essential part of something”. Interesting! I suppose my own definition would read; the innermost, central and ultimate understanding of the essence of something”. I think I will stick to “Core beliefs”.

The voice of a/b has its own core belief system which, for the most part are irrational. I will now list some of my core beliefs as part of an exercise my psychologist gave me. The mission is to first identify these beliefs and then to challenge each one by seeking to identify the truth from the lie. I must remember that the voice of a/b uses deception and never just pure lies to get a hold and to ultimately change my own core beliefs to suit its own. I must remember that a deception consists of two parts. One part truth and one part lie.

Here goes…..

1.       Thin is successful

2.       Thin is Beautiful

3.       Thin is acceptance

4.       Thin is graceful

5.       Thin is elegance

6.       Thin is worthy of respect

7.       Thin is worthy of love

8.       The key to true happiness is to be tall and thin

9.       Tall and thin people are good at everything they do.

10.   All winners are thin, Just look at the media.

11.   Fat is for losers

12.   Fat needs to be made a joke of

13.   Fat is always part of the odd one out

14.   Nobody likes fat people

15.   Fat is a sign of weakness

16.   Fat cannot be taken seriously

17.   Fat people are stupid and always needs help

18.   Fat shows no discipline and self-control.

19.   Not even Armani can make a fat person look good.

20.   Why does all fashion revolve around thin people? Because thin looks good and makes the clothes and designs look even better.

21.   Thin sells

22.   Thin is the key to everything and life

23.   There isn’t one person I know who wants to be fat!!!! Prove me wrong! Even my dietician watches her weight.

24.   Lose weight and look and feel better about yourself.

25.   I feel great when I lose weight.

I really believe these statements even when I can see the irrationality in some of them. I guess that makes them core beliefs.

I really don’t know how I am going to change the beliefs. But I will give it my best shot………….

                                                                                To be continued………………………………