A Quiet Day

A little rest

The voice of a/b has been quiet today. What a relief! I suppose no one can carry on yapping forever, and a/b can yap!

Anyway, I feel good today. I can focus on my work. The headaches aren’t as bad as yesterday and I feel rather okay. I am aware of anxiety lingering in the back ground, like the calm after the storm but you are not sure if the storm is completely over or not. Anxiety feels like a constant presence, always near.

I have gotten so use to anxiety that I don’t really recognize it as something alien to me anymore. My psychologist had to point it out to me. I wasn’t even aware of anxiety having anything to do with my eating disorder. I was so surprised, but I see things a lot clearer today. Basically what happens is, when things get out of control in my day, stress and anxiety increases. My ritual will then start by me trying to create order around me i.e. cleaning and rearranging my study or work. Once some order has been achieved I automatically feel less anxious which is great. The problem is that by trying to control my external environment, I’m setting myself up for anxiety to return because the only constant in life is change and there is nothing I can do about it. So, I suppose I learned how to control my weight, after all, all I have to do is keep my mouth closed. How difficult is that? I feel in control, people rave when I lose weight and I feel better about myself. The world can come to an end, I’m at peace. Presto!!

Now that I can’t control my body I’m back to square one, trying to figure out how I can regain that feeling of control and peace using other ways. I still have to find that answer……..

I am constantly aware of my restless legs, twitchy fingers and racing thoughts. I feel like a jack in a box just waiting for the lid to open which will release all the tension and fear. What am I anxious about? Who knows? I have no idea. But it does explain how I can finish a plate of food without thinking or really tasting anything and in record time. I’m a sprint eater.

So that is my day for today. I’m enjoying the break……………

Ps. Perhaps A/B ‘s out with its girlfriend ribbbbecka as it is Valentine’s day. I wonder what they will be having for dinner????