Feeling Bad for not Feeling Bad

Feeling bad for not feeling bad…..

What a strange feeling to feel bad for not feeling bad today?? Perhaps I have gotten so used to the constant self-rejection and self-criticism that I now have no idea what to do with feeling okay. Perhaps the voice of a/b is whispering softly that I am not good enough for him and a hopeless loser? I find it difficult to hear its voice although I know it must be the voice of a/b telling me that I should feel bad for feeling good.

Could this be a new strategy on a/b’s part? All I know is the anxiety is still hanging around in the back ground. I’m anxious because I don’t know what to expect. Is this the quiet before the storm? I hate to say this, but I feel more in control when I hear the voice of a/b clearly. I just feel better when I know where he is hiding.

I must admit that as much as I want a/b gone, I’m afraid of being alone, left to fight against life on my own. Why do I feel like I’m betraying a friend? His not my friend………or is he?

I have not done anything drastic to make him hide away. I have not done anything different the last couple of days that would explain the silence. I feel anxious………

I hope a/b is not planning a surprise attack because I don’t need it, not now. I’m finally getting to a place where I feel like some things are falling in place.

It’s really weird not feeling the presence of a/b…………………….

I wonder if any other people suffering from eating disorders experience the same thing??

Ps. it’s weighing day again today and I once again didn’t ask whether I’m up or down, although I am curious to know. I don’t think I ever want to know again.