Irrational Thoughts of A/B

Irrational thoughts of the voice of Anorexia/Bulimia

After my session with my psychologist yesterday, I battled to focus on anything, let alone journaling. Anyway, I feel a little better today and thought I should journal my thoughts.

We discussed one of my core beliefs; the thought that I am a joke and that no one have or ever will take me seriously, including my psychologist, psychiatrist and to a certain extent, my dietician. If only I could have been a better Anorexic. If only I could have been at deaths door, perhaps then I will be taken seriously. Everybody knows that there is nothing wrong with me. However, they humor me and find me an interesting case study. I feel I can’t trust anyone and that I am alone. To be loved means I have to earn it and I don’t deserve anything. What a loser. What a wane be!

My psychologist mentioned the fact that this core belief is creating distrust between us and will counter my recovery process. So, she asked the question whether it could possibly be the voice of a/b telling me that no one’s taking me seriously. Perhaps it’s a/b who is fighting against my recovery. Perhaps a/b’s telling me that I am not a worthy anorexic and that I once again do not deserve treatment.

One characteristic of the voice of a/b is that nothing I do is ever good enough. It requires always more, better, thinner, smarter etc. and as soon as I think I might have made it, it moves the goalposts just a little further.

So, it seems I have a problem. Even though I counter irrational thoughts with better, more rational ones it doesn’t really help because I believe the irrational thought more. The irrational thought has become my CORE BELIEF. How will I now counter these thoughts? I have no idea. It seems that the voice of a/b has become part of me to some degree. How do I separate me from myself?

My psychologist has a few tricks up her sleeve, or so I hope. All I know is that the voice of a/b has done more damage to me than what I originally thought and for the first time, I really feel CRAZY!

A Fake Friend

Thoughts

Anorexia/Bulimia introduced itself to me from a very young age. Like every teenager I was searching for my identity, acceptance and acknowledgement. The message I was shown was that “thin” is good. “Thin” is successful and most of all “Thin” guarantees acceptance.

My mom has always been on diets and I was made aware of the negative effects of certain foods from a very young age. I too was plumpish and made the assumption that this is bad. Other people will praise me every time I lost a little weight and the feeling it gave me about myself was incredible.

Comparing me to others became the norm and I noticed that all the successful people I knew were tall and thin and my family was fat and poor. So, a/b’s seduction started and it started befriending me by saying that it can help me find success, happiness, friends, joy and love. All I’ll have to do is follow a/b’s instructions very carefully and the results will be sure. A/B became my friend and task master and I loved the inner strength and control a/b gave me. I could restrict, over-exercise and punish myself, and it made me feel strong. As I would lose weight people with weight issues asked me for advice and I looked down at them with contempt and shame. They are all losers. No self-control and weak. They deserve to be fat and ugly. They are disgusting and repulsive. I hate all fat people!! I do not ever want to be associated with them. I fear it will be contagious and I do not want to even be seen with them.

At the age of 18 I was very thin, eating almost nothing.  Cycling 18 kilometers with a heavy bag on my back every day, and over-exercising in my room. I spent most weekends working in the garden and alone. I lived in my mind, dreaming of a beautiful perfect body and success.  In my dreams everybody wanted to know me and I was loved. This fueled my determination to go for gold. I had will power like no one else I knew. I didn’t need anyone. Everybody makes fun of me anyway. I’ll show them!

So, A/B was established in my mind, body and thoughts and my voice didn’t matter any longer. Who am I without a/b anyway. A nobody, a joke and an embarrassment to myself and others.

Back to today…

A/b oppressed my voice and my true identity to such an extent that by the time I finally got to a rehab center at the age of 34, I no longer knew who I was. I didn’t know anything about me except for the fact that I hated myself. I couldn’t look at my reflection in anything. I wanted to DIE!!! Rehab was my call for help because I finally got to the stage where I stopped eating altogether. This was it I thought; I’ll rather be an anorexic corps than alive and fat.

If you are in the grip of anorexia/bulimia, I would like to warn you that a/b is not your friend. It seeks to destroy your life, hopes and dreams. And who cares what other people think. I have just as much right to have life as the next person. Fight against a/b. Never stop!! Never stop!! Never stop!!

Win Some, Lose Some

I win some and lose some

I can clearly see when reading my past journal entries, that the battle against the voice of a/b is a win some, lose some war. Some battles I win, other battles are a/b’s victory, but I remember that winning the war is much more complicated than just winning a battle.

I use each victory and defeat to learn more about my enemy. I’ve noticed that the only way to win certain onslaughts are to disengage i.e. to simply stop the voice of a/b through distraction. I do this by watching TV or sleeping or listening to inspirational music on my iPod. So by the way, my iPod is a great weapon. It’s small enough to carry around with me and it’s preloaded with bombs of inspiration and strength. Once I’ve had time to recover I will examine a/b’s rhetoric and search for the lies. You see, a/b uses deception to win battles. Deception is a truth laced with a lie. Because truth is part of the mix, I believe it and cannot challenge it. After all, it is the truth and if I deny it, I will be lying to myself and find myself in denial. However, the secret is to face the truth, even if it hurts and then search for the lie which is very cleverly hidden and interwoven with the truth.

When I am lied to, and I know it’s a lie, I do not believe it and I can reject it. This is not an effective weapon for a/b. But, if I’m deceived, it means that I believe it and cannot see the lie. If I believe something that isn’t true, I’m deceived and powerless to fight back. This is the most powerful weapon of Anorexia/Bulimia. We believe all of its lies and deceptions. Examples of what I am saying are clear throughout my previous journal entries.

I need to be patient with my recovery. I remind myself that the voice of a/b has had many years to study my weaknesses. I have only been made aware if him in October 2011, just five months ago.

So, the battle continues and I am so thankful to be alive and well.

A Great Day!

Feeling real comfortable in my skin

I really feel comfortable in my body today. I missed this feeling of contentment. It is peace…..

I will continue to remind myself of my true identity and not of the a/b identity which deceived me. Who am I? I am a person of worth. A person who loves, and who can be loved, I am worth fighting for and I love the freedom to just be me. Forget about what others think of me and remember that every person has their own battles to fight. I am not alone.

My past is my past and I will take the good and utilize it to strengthen me for a better future. I am not poison and I have the potential to be a blessing to others.

It’s incredible how little I have to right when it is about the good about me. When the a/b voice starts its rhetoric I can wright pages of the bad it tells me. Perhaps it shows that I am only discovering myself now and that excites me. What am I going to find? I’m sure it’s going to be a mixture of good and bad, but the good will overshadow the bad, I know it.

I’m having a fantastic day. I hope you are too.

A Letter to A/B

A letter to a/b

A/B,

I must say that you are persistent in your quest for my life, but you should know that you cannot win. My identity is one of courage, love, peace, proactivity, fulfillment, contentment, grace, integrity, freedom, boundaries, vitality, balance and family, to name but a few and I know that these values can never be part of your identity. Your identity is one of self-pity, perfection, acceptance, performance, fear, humiliation, pain, hunger, suffering, restriction, hatred and death. You are a prison warden and I have been your prisoner for long enough.

I am a person of worth and of purpose, hope and life. Your prison bars are your core believes which you are using to deceive me. Once I believe your lies about me I close the cell door of my own prison. And when I cry out for freedom, you say that I’m to blame as I imprisoned myself through my own will.

You are never the one to blame. You are a coward and a fraud, an enemy to everything pure and good.

I am sick of you. I am sick of your arguments and accusations. I do not believe you anymore. You are a lie. Everything about you are all lies. You are jealous of me. You can’t stand the fact that I am chosen to do great things. You wish you had the hope that I have and that’s why you hate me so.

Only one of us can live. It will not be you!

I stand against you now and will take every thought captive. I will measure you by the truth that I know and you will be proven a fraud every time.

You chose a stronger enemy than what you are to me. I will prevail over you in the end and you will be eradicated from my life once and for all.

Acceptance

Busy, Busy, Busy….

-Performance equals Acceptance- I believe this statement. I’ve always had to prove myself worthy. I never learned how to just be.

To just be sounds so unrealistic in this day and age. No one can just be. If you want to survive and be accepted, one has to perform and be successful. This is what I believe today. Prove me wrong!! I dare you!!

If I don’t comply with the status quo of society, I am labeled a loser and a failure and nobody wants to be associated with a person like that. Just ask yourself the question, will you want to be seen socializing with tramps and hobo’s? Not a chance! That’s exactly my point.

This is exactly why I need to perform, whether it’s financially, physically, spiritually or socially makes no difference. I need to have my wheel of responsibilities in a perfect circle. However, keeping all of the above in perfect balance is a near impossible task for me and that’s why the easiest form of self-acceptance I know I can reach is losing weight through restriction and control. Screw all these people’s opinions. At least I will be happy with myself. A thin and happy me! I will be able to cut myself off from all these unrealistic expectations everyone has of me and just be. Isn’t that what my new psychologist said, that I should just be? One can only just be, if one has everything and I have lack of nothing.

I feel broken after my session, like I have no hope of truly recovering. There was too much damage done in my life and my mind got screwed beyond repair. The medication doesn’t seem to be working…. I am overwhelmed and afraid. The future is uncertain and I am lost in a dark forest with no light at all.

How can I every just be, and be accepted and happy?

A/B's Decption

Try identifying A/B’s rhetoric in my thoughts………

Regarding my previous blogs, my psychologist made me aware of the fact that a/b has once again managed to disguise its voice as my own.

As you know, I have been highlighting the voice of a/b in red. This helps me identify and separate the voice of a/b from my own. My psychologist noticed that I have only been highlighting the negative and very distinct voice of a/b in red and left many other statements it made in black (not recognized by myself). She explained that the voice of a/b does not only base its rhetoric on the negative  but will also disguise itself in certain positive statements i.e. in my previous blog I mentioned siting in the waiting room at the dieticians were I sat opposite a clearly anorexic girl. I mentioned that I felt she was beautiful and that I longed to be as beautiful and thin. This was clearly an a/b statement/thought which I mistook as my own. So, I will be very careful during my search for the voice of a/b in my next blogs. If your recovery is based on identifying the voice of a/b, I suggest you be just as careful.

A/B is a master of deception and it has no desire of being identified. Its needs me to believe that I want what it wants, and once I believe that it is all me and that I am the problem, it will have power over me to do with what it wants. What does a/b want? It wants me dead!!!! I’ve rearmed that a/b’s nature is one of self-deprivation and pain.  It needs acceptance and approval. It loves perfection and punishes me when I don’t reach its unobtainable goals. That is why I know, that if I don’t absolutely repudiate all that a/b stands for, it will kill me. I am fighting for my very life! I don’t want to die.

I am going to live, and live without the voice of anorexia/bulimia!!

I feel better today. Thank you Maryke.

New Inspiration

New Inspiration!

The new dietician turned out to be great. She understands my thought pattern and is eager to start a journey with me. I really appreciated her honesty when I asked her whether she has an issue with weight herself, and she admitted that she too can eat a whole slab of chocolate if she didn’t apply self-discipline and restraint. She reaffirmed what my first dietician said about food, that as part of a healthy and balanced diet, one can and should eat the whole spectrum of foods, including deserts. It’s not the food that is the problem, but rather the frequency and quantity I’m consuming. So BALANCE is key. But your’r fat and ugly….

I still struggle with this all or nothing thinking. I can’t not eat, and I can’t binge either. You’re either fat or thin, ugly or beautiful, accepted or rejected, loved or unloved, successful or an absolute failure. Now I have to learn that everything doesn’t have to be perfect and in its place, and it’s so hard. It’s like I can’t function if there isn’t any structure or order around me. I find peace in order!

The voice of a/b started again yesterday while I was sitting in the reception area at the dietician’s office. While I was filling in forms, another person was sitting opposite me. She was so thin….. She must have a real problem I thought. You are not thin enough to be taken seriously. The dietician sees people with real problems, you are just a joke and nobody is taking you seriously. I tried my best not to stare, but I was envious of her and wished in the most secret place of my heart that I could be just as beautiful.

The rest of my day was horrible. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I’m never going to be anorexic enough. I will never have the opportunity to prove to everyone that I too have the self-discipline to be thinner than anybody. I know that I can do it. I know it! But I’m never going to be allowed to prove it and I’m frustrated by that.

I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist!! I really need to up my dosage of antidepressants………. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!

There is always HOPE!

There is always hope!!

I will be seeing my new dietician today. She is new and this will be the first time I see a dietician since my discharge from rehab. I hope she has the same insight and understanding as the dietician who started the fight with me. I hate change!! Anyway, I’m trusting that she will be able to continue the fight against the voice of a/b going forward.

The voice of a/b has been quiet since last night. I don’t know if it is waiting to see what is going to happen at the new Dietician or if it’s just waiting for my next slip-up. Who knows? I am just enjoying the break from its constant rhetoric for now.

The heading for today’s journal entry is, “There is always hope”, and I just want to let anyone reading this blog know that we will be victorious. I have got to believe this and so do you!

-I can hear a/b laughing in the back ground.

It’s not over and the fight will not be easy but I remember the victories I had in the past, and this gives me hope that I can and will beat this enemy I call a/b.

If you are not journaling, I would like to encourage you to start immediately. Keep it honest and simple. It is for your eyes only and no one has to review it. This process is helping me to externalize the voice of a/b and to separate it from myself. You see, a/b’s strategy is to make you believe that it is you and you are it. It wants you to believe that you are anorexia/bulimia, but the truth is that it is a/b, NOT YOU or me.

I will keep fighting until a/b is eradicated from my life forever!!

There is always hope! Don’t give up…………I will not!

Weighing Day

Weighing day……

Today like every Wednesday is weighing day! I always dread facing the scale.

A/B: Because you know that you failed again and can’t stand the fact that I’m right! You always disappoint everybody.

                                                -Try to ignore A/B

I picked up 100g…………………. I feel afraid and scared……………..I can’t be picking up weight!! Am I ever going to be thin?? I find it difficult to not believe the voice of a/b but I so desperately want to lose weight. I feel great when I lose weight. I can’t feel worse when the scale proves a/b right.

I suppose this is a battle to the death. It either me or a/b……………. But why can’t I be thin and beat a/b at the same time? Why am I not allowed to just be happy with my body???

A/B: You will be happy once you give up this silly idea that you can exist without me. I can be a friend to you. Just remember how you felt when you were obedient to me and peopled acknowledged you for losing weight. I have the answer, the key to complete happiness. LOSE WEIGHT!!!!

                                                                                Disengage…………….

A Battle almost won!

A Battle almost won!

Yesterday was incredible. I stayed on my meal plan for the whole day!! This is a serious victory as I normally experience an unstoppable craving for sweets and comfort foods after dinner every evening. Last night I made a special effort to sleep early for two reasons. One; to get a good night’s sleep, which I have been struggling with the past week or so. Secondly, to avoid the overpowering cravings for these foods I see as sin. 

Unfortunately I was woken just before midnight with a chocking cough. I found myself not able to sleep and wondering in the kitchen. Some digestive biscuits, muesli and yogurt later, I fell asleep on the couch in the lounge. Woke up tired again and feeling guilty about the midnight snack.

A/B: You are never going to be able to control yourself around food without me! You are useless without me! Can’t you see how you are wasting your time trying? What a loser!!

Me: I know that I failed last night because I ate extra stuff, but at least I made healthy food choices! I’m going to get through this struggle!

A/B: Ha! Ha! You are kidding yourself. You only survived all of these years because of me. You are, and will forever be nothing without me!!

Me: I can’t let you destroy me. You are not my friend. You are my enemy. You want me alone, sick, unhappy, frustrated and full of self-hatred and guilt.

A/B: Well then be FAT and ugly. You are only screwing yourself. What an idiot!!!!

Disengage.

The voice of A/B

The struggle within….

Life without this eating disorder is possible. I have to keep telling myself that otherwise I most certainly will revert back to believing that being thin, even if it kills me, is all that matters.

I will be using this blog to journal my battle against the voice of Anorexia/Bulimia, or as I call it “a/b”.

My objective is to externalize the voice of a/b through journaling, to such an extent that I can once again see myself as separated from it.

I will indicate my own voice in the color green and the voice of a/b in red. This way, it will be easy for the reader to distinguish between the voice of a/b, and my own voice.

The voice of a/b is a continuous rhetoric in my mind. I believe it is the same for most of those suffering from an eating disorder. It tells me that I am useless, ugly, fat, stupid and a joke……unless I lose weight. A/B never stops whispering in my ear. It always tells me that I am not good enough and that I should take its advice and trust it. The solution to all your problems is LOSE WEIGHT!!!

Please feel free to comment on this blog if you suffer or have recovered from the same evil torture in your life. Perhaps it will help someone currently in the a/b prison to realize the deception and to start the long and hard journey back to the truth, real happiness and peace.