The Demon Anorexia/Bulimia Exposed

The demon Anorexia/Bulimia exposed

People don’t really get what I mean by the voice of AB. AB isn’t a figment of my imagination or an excuse to justify my behaviour. The voice of Anorexia/Bulimia is a very real entity. A demonic force determined to stay hidden. Determined to isolate and ultimately destroy its victims.

It’s incredible how the so called “experts” like to treat people suffering with an eating disorder as the eating disorder itself. Why can’t they recognize the presence of an external influence? They play directly into AB’s hands by making the victim the one to blame for their condition. This only pushes the suffer further away and causes the further internalization of their relationship with AB. AB uses the therapists approach as “proof” that the victim is in fact a failure and then reaffirms its plan to help “fix” the sufferer. AB wins every time a therapist refuses to recognize its voice, presence and influence.

Following is a letter from this Demonic Spirit Called Anorexia/Bulimia. 

Letter From Ana

Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Anna. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you.

In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely nowhere! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.

Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look...fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell you the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.

But I am about to change all that.

I expect a lot from you. You are not allowed to eat much. It will start slowly: decreasing of fat intake, reading the nutrition labels, cutting out junk food, fried food, etc. For a while, the exercise will be simple: some running, perhaps some crunches and some sit-ups. Nothing too serious. Perhaps drop a few pounds, take a little off of that fat tub of a stomach. But it won't be long before I tell you that it isn't good enough.

I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurring together as one.

I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount your calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.

Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything... if you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.

Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will open slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self-control, you are going to get fat.

When it is over, you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain!

Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen! Who cares?! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.

Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please.

I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.

Sincerely, Anna

Can anyone relate? Does anyone recognise the voice of AB in their own struggle? I have read comments from victims from different backgrounds, nationalities ages etc. saying the exact same thing. Why is it that everyone hears the same rhetoric?

I’ll leave you to decide…………………………….

A word from my dietician

Many people feel very frustrated and overwhelmed because it seems like the more they try to loose weight, the more they actually gain! 

Often with dieting they might loose some weight, but then just gain everything they have lost plus more!  This common phenomenon is called yo-yo dieting.  There are a couple of reasons why your body responds to dieting in this way, especially when the diet is very restrictive.

Firstly when we restrict food intake, our bodies perceive that we are in starvation mode, and respond by slowing down the metabolism.  This means that we need less energy to maintain the same body weight.  By supplying the body with a regular supply of energy we maintain a fast metabolism.

Secondly dieting has an effect the hormones that affect hunger, appetite and satiety.  Two of these hormones are especially of importance.   A hormone called leptin is produced in the healthy functioning body in response to the presence of fat to suppress appetite.  This helps to regulate body weight.  When we restrict food intake, however, the production of it is impaired and will lead to lack of appetite control.  Another hormone called Ghrelin stimulates hunger and feeding.  Ghrelin levels are highest in lean individuals and lowest in obese.  Increased levels of this hormone are seen in people who are dieting, leading to increased hunger in dieting individuals.

It is interesting that a large proportion of women exhibit a poor relationship with food.  Generally men seem to have a better relationship with food and therefore find it easier to stick to a diet and loose weight.  Interestingly though, it has been found that when men start dieting, they also obscure their relationship with food and might develop binge eating disorder.  This is what was found in a study conducted almost 50 years ago by the University of Minnesota (Keys et al, 1950).  Young, healthy (physically and mentally) men were studied while restricting their food intake for 6 months.
One of the most striking changes observed was a dramatic increase in preoccupation with food.  In the study presently discussed, the men became so preoccupied with thoughts of food and eating, that it became increasingly difficult to concentrate on usual activities.  They became intensely interested in cookbooks, menus and food bulletins and started collecting recipes and even other kitchen items.
Most of the men experienced hunger during the restrictive phase of the study and for a few this led to a complete breakdown in control and subsequent bingeing episodes.  Binge eating was inevitably followed by self-reproach.  After bingeing one of the participants suffered a severe emotional upset, with nausea, and vomited.  He felt disgusted with himself and expressed self-criticism.  Sadly, during the re-feeding phase of the study, many of the subjects have lost control of their appetite and “ate more or less continuously”.
These are very common patterns seen in people following or trying to follow restrictive diets.

Hope

Hope

“Hope is a good thing, and a good thing never dies.” The Shawshank Redemtion.

This phrase became imprinted in my mind many years ago whilst watching my favorite film at the time, for the umpteenth time. Today, I can finally say that I truly understand the meaning of the word, “HOPE”.

Hope; “To cherish a desire of good with some expectation of fulfillment”, in other words to believe that something better is coming and I have this expectation today!

It’s incredible how Jesus can change a person. Late last year I would never have believed that I had any hope of a future and finding unconditional love was just a fairytale, a myth. But today I can truly say that hope is alive and well and His name is JESUS! Love has a voice; Love has a name, JESUS! JESUS!

The scary thing is that I always had hope and love; but self-hatred, self-rejection, fear and shame didn’t allow me to see it. I wasn’t allowed by guilt and a/b to believe that I am loved. You see, I have learned that the voice of anorexia/bulimia is all about rejection, pain, hatred guilt and shame. A/B doesn’t love me. He has never loved me and woven into his empty promises were the poison of death. How could I have believed anything the voice of a/b said to me?

But, I have grace for myself because, like I’m sure anybody suffering under a/b will agree, It is not easy in that dark hole to think clearly. How can anyone think clearly when the brain is starved of nutrients and rest? How can anyone think clearly when a/b’s rhetoric is a nonstop noise in ones ear? No! Anybody will have the same struggle as I had.

A/B is becoming weaker now. It has lost its hold over me as I continue to discern between its truth and Jesus’s truth about me. It’s incredible how a/b cannot stand against the real truth. It can’t argue even when it tries. It can’t stand! THERE IS HOPE!!!!

There is freedom for those willing to fight the hard battle against anorexia/bulimia, but don’t attempt this alone. Get support from Christian psychologists and dietitians. Surround yourself with Christian anti-a/b people and get to the feet of Jesus. This is where I am at the moment and its safe, warm, loving, merciful and peaceful here. I should have done this years ago, but I was too stubborn and hard hatred. I thought in my heart that Jesus was just a myth, a lie to subdue the human race into a submissive herd.

Today I see how stupid I was to think this. Jesus is alive and well and He is just waiting to stretch out His hand to rescue anyone who asks Him. Just do it! Why wait until you get to the gates of death? Why wait until your body is damaged and broken? Why wait when you can have it now?

 So there is hope, but it will take a step of faith to get to this place. It will take another battle against unbelief which you will need to conquer, and this is where most people fail. Unbelief is powerful but necessary to get to a place of victory. In fact, it’s essential.

I hope that the person reading my journal will give Jesus a chance. He rescued me and He will surely rescue you.

Suicide

Suicide

I’ve heard yesterday that a dear friend of mine, who is also suffering under the spell of a/b, tried to commit suicide a couple of weeks ago.

Although I made myself available as support and sponsor, she didn’t contact me for support, and as such, I had no idea of the massive onslaught from the voice of anorexia/bulimia on her. Not that I could have done anything to help her or even stop her; it’s about not having to ever fight alone. The struggle with an eating disorder needs to be resisted with the love and support of others. It is an epic battle and there is and will always be collateral damage.

I need and appreciate all the anti-a/b support I can get, and believe me, there aren’t many anti-a/b people around.

 I’m just so thankful that someone found her in time and rushed her off to hospital. She is doing fine now and will hopefully not attempt it again. I pray she doesn’t ever try this again.

One thing is sure, A/B will strike again and she will be faced with the same temptation to end it all again. I speak of my own experience with a/b. It will never give up. It is fighting for its very life, and so should we.

I once again didn’t weigh yesterday and I must say that I haven’t even thought about it today. I suppose this is good. Very good!

Anyway, I’m advancing at a realistic and balanced pace on my road to recovery. I feel kind of confidant that I can actually be free from a/b one day SOON!

Facing my addiction

Facing my addiction

I thought that by going into this secret place I could escape my pain, but I now realize that my pain was always there; I brought it with me.

The way to get rid of any addiction is to face it with the determination to fight back to the very end. That is the only remedy, the only way out of this prison and the only way to complete freedom. This is what I am learning in my journey fighting against my distorted eating addiction; and I am winning!

Giving up a dream is so very difficult. And my dream of being skinny, tall and “perfect” is the very poison that was killing me. Letting go of the dream, letting go of what I believed to be to only way to happiness and control is what my struggle is all about. I almost want to imply that most people struggling with anorexia/bulimia, has the same secret dream, pushing us through the pain of self-harm and starvation.

It is this drive to fight through hunger and starvation which becomes the addiction. The feeling of accomplishment and self-acceptance is addictive, especially when it takes a “special, self-disciplined and powerful” person to accomplish this by starvation, or so I believed. The truth is that it takes someone who is so scared, so alone and in so much emotional pain, to get to this place of deception.

The world is a selfish and cruel place and if I do not surround myself with “real” and loving people, I will be alone even when in a large crowd. This is why support and understanding without judgment has been so important to my recovery. When my voice was heard and understood, I felt some self-worth again.

Please don’t judge someone suffering from an eating disorder. Those who judge are without understanding and are probably trapped in their own selfish little world. They cause more hurt and pain and it just adds fuel to the fire. A person with an eating disorder becomes more determined and more powerful when faced with constant ridicule from others, especially from those people whom they trust or admire.

 It is all about the need for acceptance, love, security and understanding for me and I subsequently fell into my addiction which would then drive me to greater “heights” of accomplishment if I felt insecure, unloved, rejected and misunderstood. Hence the fact that I became “better and better” it perfecting my eating disorder. I have to believe that one can get so good at ones addiction i.e. an eating disorder that one eventually dies by it feeling victorious. That is the irrational thought pattern I had to deal with. I remember saying to my therapist; “I would rather die thin than live with fat”. I now see my sick belief system.

I guess today’s journal entry is all about facing the truth head on and refusing to back down from the fight. It’s so hard thinking that my dream will now never materialize, but it’s a much greater thought that I can live free, happy and with true peace and contentment.

Now that’s worth living for!!!!

My Prayer

My Prayer

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for never letting go of me and for lifting me out of my troubles. Where will my help come from? No one could save me. Only you had the answers to all my questions.

Thank you for showing me that the voice of anorexia/bulimia had nothing to do with me and that I am beautiful and perfect in your eyes. Thank you for exposing the intentions and existence of a/b and for providing me with specific available people who knows and loves you, people who made themselves available to your service.

The pain of guilt, self-hatred and self-rejection was unbearable and the voice of a/b used this to seduce me to obey all of its commands. It told me that I was alone and that no one cared for me, except for a/b. It told me that even you rejected me and that the only reason that I’m alive is to suffer for my guilt and shame. It told me that I’m a good for nothing and that I was worth nothing, a BIG FAT ZERO! So, I believed that I needed a/b to help me cope with this nightmare called “Life”. It made me believe that I could have pleasure through pain and that pain was good. Death is good, and isolation and secrecy is power.

But he lied!!! He always deceives!

You Jesus have made me in your image and likeness and I understand this to mean that I am special, very special. You showed me that I am loved and loved unconditionally. Today I know that I am not alone. Thank you Jesus!!

You teach me every day how to fight back against a/b and you rescue me every time a/b’s assault becomes too great. A/B is too strong and too smart for the average person, but not for you. You showed ma again today that you are in control and that a/b doesn’t stand a chance when you get involved.

Please don’t forget about the thousands of others people in the prison of anorexia/bulimia. Please open their eyes to your truth and the real truth about a/b. Please help everyone to see that a/b is not a friend. It doesn’t care for anyone but himself and that all he wants is to exist even if it means killing its host. Please show these people the same love and grace which you have shown me.

I have humbled myself before you and have asked for forgiveness for everything I have done against your love for me. You heard me and forgave me. You accepted me into your garden and held me in your arms. You gave me hope and reason to live, reason to love and reason to trust. Thank you for this freedom and grace.

I love you Jesus!

Why Weigh?

Why Weigh?

Today is weighing day again and I have made an anti-a/b decision not to weigh myself this week. So, a/b is going nuts in my head regarding this, and I feel a strange feeling of satisfaction of seeing a/b freaking out J

The strange thing is that I was convinced that a/b was this unbeatable powerful force which no one should or could ever challenge. Now my opinion is changing to the contrary. A/B is losing its power by my anti-a/b decisions and actions.

Make no mistake, It’s not easy and I will never say to a fellow prisoner of a/b that they should just get over it or that they should stop feeling sorry for themselves. If only it was this easy to fee oneself from the overwhelming hold of anorexia/bulimia. It’s a battle to the death. It always has been my life or a/b’s life, but both of us can’t stay alive together. One must die and it is not going to me!!

To those reading my journal I would like to specify specific anti-a/b decisions and actions which work for me. Perhaps you will find value in my experience.

Anti-A/B Decisions & Actions:

-          No Secrets! I tell my anti-a/b allies about when I restrict/ binge or stray from my meal plan

-          No Silence! I verbalize everything the voice of a/b says to my anti-a/b allies. I do this immediately when a/b’s rhetoric starts. They can assist me then with dissecting the deception and help me find the rational truth. Don’t forget to journal!

-          No Numbers! Hence not ever knowing my weight, not even if my weight went up or down. Also not knowing how many Calories is packed in my daily meal plan.

-          No Restricting! Even when no one’s watching me. I eat regular and balanced throughout the day.

-          No Guilt for eating, even when I feel as big as a whale! This is a difficult one, but it is essential to my recovery because it’s the worst weapon the voice of a/b has against me.

-          Not believing the lies of a/b i.e. how bad and worthless he says I am! No body’s perfect and I am allowed to be a normal person with my own faults and failings.

-          Not forgetting Jesus! Jesus tells me that I am worth more than anything. Why would he have died for me if I wasn’t special and worthwhile to him? The truth about who I am is found by spending time with Jesus.

I just wish that people who don’t know the struggle we have with an eating disorder, would make the effort to try and understand, because they can, and often do more harm than good. Recovering from an eating disorder starts with understanding, and then the hard work begins. It’s a long and hard battle with many failures and victories along the way, but if one can continue fighting back, freedom, happiness and peace are sure.

I will continue to use the value of resilience and the grace of God to fight with all my strength for my freedom. I hope you do too.

Self-pity

Self-pity

I was going journal about the surprise attack from a/b which I experienced last week, but as I was typing the words I once again thought, why should I use my journal as a mouth piece for the voice of a/b?

Pressing the delete key and seeing the words of a/b disappear gave me a pleasure I can’t explain. A sort of freedom and feeling of release which gave me hope; a/b can become silent. It’s not easy, but it’s possible!

The problem, I believe, which most people who suffer from an eating disorder has, is a spirit of self-pity.

I say this with the utmost respect and understanding, as I too was trapped in this pool of self-hatred, self-destruction and self-pity. It’s one thing to fight against something I see as a threat, but it’s very different to fight against something I actually love to hate. What I mean is that as much as I hate the prison of anorexia/bulimia, I also love its promise of protection, safety, control and isolation.

The voice of a/b is telling me, as I’m writing the word “self-pity”, that I am crazy to admit to something as shameful and weak as self-pity. But my answer to a/b is simple; “You, a/b, is the one who used all my negative experiences in life to instill this spirit of self-pity in me, in order to seduce me with your promise that you can “fix” me. By self-pity I have been playing into your hands. By self-pity I wanted to die. By self-pity I enjoyed pain and suffering because by self-pity I thought I deserved the worst and that no good thing will ever happen to me. You, a/b, are self-pity personified and you are evil!!

I refuse to wallow in self-pity going forward. I will fight back until I’m free of you. I will fight until I can love myself completely again. Why? Because I am worth it!!!!!

You do not deserve me! You are pitiful and pathetic. You like suffering and pain and you love bones, death and imprisonment! NOT ME!!!!!

As you can see a/b, I am getting stronger against you by learning the truth about me through my faith in Jesus, and by learning how to spot the deception in all of your promises and seductions.

Your time is up! You have overstayed your welcome and it’s time for you to go!

From Worthless to Worthwhile

From worthless to worthwhile

Worthless:

My eating disorder is based on the need for acceptance, love and self-worth. What that means is that I learned from a very young age that society judges an individual by what they see i.e. “You are what you eat” or “A healthy body houses a health spirit”. So, it is obvious that if I eat fat I am fat and that a fat body houses a poor, sickly, useless and undisciplined spirit. You see what I mean……….?

I was slightly overweight as a young teenager and as such was never good enough and people weren’t shy to comment that I should lose some weight. The people who made these comments, where thin, athletic, successful and attractive. Where my family was poor, these “perfect” people seemed to have it all. The voice of anorexia/bulimia used this fact to “prove” that fat made me bad, stupid, ugly, worthless and hopeless. It seduced me by instilling the belief that if I lost weight, I would be like them, “perfect, beautiful, intelligent and successful”.

So, as long as I wasn’t as slim and fit and tall as them, I was worthless, and since then, from the age of 15 until today, age 34, I felt worthless. That’s 19years of self-hatred and self-rejection.

The thought that I lost out on enjoying my teens and twenties, flares up deep anger and regret.

How could I have been so stupid? Why did these so called “perfect” people not know what they were doing to me? How could adults allow their children to think this way?

No use crying over spilled milk. I need to reclaim the rest of my life and the time is now.

Worthwhile:

Who am I today?

I am a unique person. There has never, and will never be another person like me!

I am not perfect. But nobody is!

I have opportunities to live my life to the fullest.

I have people in my life that loves and accepts me for who I am. I do not need pro a/b people in my life. There are enough anti-a/b people I can choose from.

I have inner strength. The fight against anorexia/bulimia proves this.

I have hope!!! Every day is one step closer to freedom.

I can love.

So, how can anybody be worthless when they are unique? There is only one of me! Only one who can be who I am! How can I be worthless? According to what standard? According to who’s opinion?

No! I am worthwhile just like I am. I am worthwhile by just being me!

Another Battle Won!

Another battle won!

In my previous journal entry, I’ve mentioned that I was expecting an attack from anorexia/bulimia during the past weekend. Well, my words wasn’t even cold yet, when the voice of a/b took me up on the challenge.

It’s hard to explain the feeling when the attack happens, but I will try…

First something will trigger me i.e. a place, a person, a taste, an argument, or even just a look from another person. The voice of a/b will then immediately take its opportunity to remind me of just how despicable and ugly and fat and useless and worthless I am. It then simply takes my hand and gently whispers in my ear that the solution to my predicament is simple; Lose weight, and I, a/b can help you do it.

 A/B then reminds me of the times when I was well under its spell and how “in control and happy” I was. It reminds me that the only way to a happy future is by following its demands. It worked in the past, it will work again……. This is a lie! It didn’t work. I just ended up hurting my body and my family. A/B’s answer will then be: “Nothing worthwhile comes easy. It takes dedication, discipline and courage to achieve a worthy place in society and this is not for losers and weaklings. Perhaps you are just too useless to even do such a little thing as to not eat. You deserve to be a joke and a fat ass”.

This is an example of just one of a/b’s many approaches and how hurtful the voice of anorexia/bulimia can be. It gets worse, to such an extent that one starts thinking of suicide and self-harm. The pain and hunger one feels is easier to bear than the constant emotional abuse which the voice of a/b inflicts on a person.

So this past weekend it happened again. Just like the weekend before. The voice of a/b attacked without warning. My trigger was a mirror in the escalator at our local mall. This was followed by an incredible intense awareness of my body and I started to frantically compare myself with other people in the mall. The voice of a/b will point out certain aspects of someone’s body and immediately refer to my own body as not good enough. Whether it was male or female didn’t matter, all I started doing was measuring and dressing, undressing and even weighing these people in my mind. I just didn’t fit. I felt like hiding out of sight.

So, how can I title today’s journal entry as “another battle won”? Because I didn’t lose!!!!!!

Being attached by the voice of a/b is not the problem. It’s how I deal with it which causes me to suffer defeat or triumph in victory. And every time I win, the stronger I get, the weaker a/b gets and that’s all that matters.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s incredibly hard and I can now understand why I lost so many battles in the past. No! It’s not easy, but, it’s not impossible!

My strength lays in the fact that I am eating and my body is feeling great. I know how my body felt when I wasn’t eating and I have learned of the damage I have done to my body. I know that my metabolism slows down when I don’t eat and that by eating regular balanced meals throughout the day will increase my metabolism which is healthier for the body. 

This is a practical example of how I counter a/b’s rhetoric and arguments. So, in spite of the assault from a/b, I once again continued eating according to my meal plan and anyone who struggles with a/b will agree that this is a major victory.

My body feels fine today, I feel good and am looking forward to the day when a/b finally packs its backs and leave.

The ultimate victory is yet to be won!

Biting The Hand That Starves Me

Biting the hand that starves me

After the incredible assault from the voice of anorexia/bulimia last weekend, I’m prepared for anything this weekend. However, I feel stronger and much more determined to bite the hand that wants to starve me.

I realize that anorexia/bulimia’s arguments are constant and repetitive i.e. he tries to convince me that I am a sorry excuse for a human being and that I need anorexia/bulimia to fix me, so that I can regain self-respect and meaning. But this is a lie! I don’t need a/b in my life to feel better about myself. On the contrary, I need to get rid of a/b if I want to regain a happy and content life. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this…….. This must be a victory!!!! And this is how I have been feeling since Monday morning, the day after my struggle.

It is possible to beat a/b! I can see hope now!

There is no secret to fighting back. Just like anyone would kick and scream and claw at anybody who threatens once life, so it works with the voice of a/b. When it approaches me with its rhetoric and seduction I simply have to not give in to his arguments even when he seems right and especially when he offers proof of what its saying. I don’t care how true a/b sounds, I have to remember that he is a deceiver and a killer with only danger, pain and sadness in store for me. It is of course much more difficult as it sounds and I am not denying the overwhelming assault by a/b, but I am saying that victory is possible. I believe it because I have now experienced it firsthand. I had no idea that it would even be possible. After all, so many people stay trapped under a/b’s spell for years, even after rehab or personal near death experiences.

I can understand the hold a/b can have on a person especially when the person has deep emotional scars and unresolved pain. A/B offers relief of the pain and hope in a world where we are constantly rejected and belittle by others.

Well, I am not allowing my life to be stolen from me any longer. I have lost most of my youth to this pathetic thing called a/b and I am taking control from today. Anxiety is still there, A/B is still trying to seduce me and people still make comments towards me in “ignorance”. Can I change that? No! Can I control others? No!

But, can I work on knowing and loving myself again? Absolutely YES!!!!! Can I be loving to others and to my own body? Yes! And can I help others who are stuck in the same prison? Absolutely YES!!

So this is my strategy going forward:

1.       Work on knowing and understanding my enemy a/b

2.       Work on knowing an understanding my friend, Me.

3.       Sharing my experience with others in order for others to find hope, life and freedom.

I can’t remember the time when I felt this optimistic and hopeful. I hope every prisoner brakes free and find the joy, peace and grace which I can taste already.

Back from the Dead

Back from the dead

I made the decision not to publish my last journal entry on this blog. This wasn’t an easy decision for me, but due to the fact that the voice of anorexia/bulimia was so very strong in my entry, I thought it would probably influence the reader in a severe way, especially if the reader suffers from anorexia/bulimia.

I also thought screw a/b. My journal will not be a medium for him to spread his lies and poison. I believe that it would be counterproductive for my recovery, to allow the voice of a/b to take control of my journaling process.

Anyway…..

This past weekend was one of the toughest yet! The voice of a/b got so loud that I felt hopeless, powerless and smashed to the ground. I could not believe the thoughts that ran through my head this past Sunday. Thoughts of suicide by starving, thoughts of being crazy and useless! My head pounded with pain most of the day and as my mind systematically became weaker and weaker, I became almost non responsive. I could hardly hear when people spoke to me. All my head space was consumed with the voice of a/b and I actually thought of giving in to his demands and arguments.

All the normal disengagement techniques that I used and which worked in the past, had no effect on a/b whatsoever. He came from all sides and like I mentioned before, I wanted to revert back to a/b’s way, but to the extreme of simply never eating again……Crazy as it may sound, I actually got excited by the thought of death by starvation. NUTS!!

Perhaps other people can relate, but for now I feel kind of alone even though I have got to believe that I’m not.

I’m also extremely anxious at times and struggle to focus on my work…..which makes me more anxious, it’s a vicious circle. As a result I couldn’t journal as often as I would have liked to but I suppose that looking forward is a better option than looking back.

I can certainly understand why around 50% of all eating disorder deaths are due to suicide. Anorexia/bulimia will use self-hatred and self-rejection against its victims or “hosts”, which will eventually kill them. A/B is most definitely not my friend and I am slowly but surely seeing his true colors. Anorexia/Bulimia has not interest in my friendship. It simply wants to murder me.

I hate you A/B and I know that I will be free of you soon. You are a liar and a fake. You are pathetic!

I’m back from the dead and still standing. I will fight and fight against you until you are destroyed!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Mirror, Mirror on the wall……..

I have serious difficulty coping with my reflection. This is an aspect of a/b that has not become weaker at all. My reflection has always grossed me out and I can’t stand catching a glimpse of me.

Why can’t I see what others see? Why do I feel like a beached whale? Why do I feel dirty inside? Why do I feel so guilty for eating? I ate according to my meal plan. I ate relatively slowly, but still I feel like I’ve eaten a horse.

Okay, time to retrace my steps. Where did it start?

Directly after dinner I spoke about how I enjoyed feeling my ribs and hip bones back in the day. I became excited about having that feeling again and then I could see my reflection……………….say no more.

I feel extremely fat and bloated. I want to feel empty again. I remember feeling hungry and although it was very hard, I felt so good about myself. I mean, how many people can do what I can do. Restricting food when there is an abundance of it all around me isn’t near impossible. But not for me. Hunger is a horrible and heavenly feeling. Horrible, because I am hungry!!!!! Heavenly, because the self-control and light/empty feeling, is so very empowering for me. I feel great!! I don’t think anyone can get use to hunger pains, but I became better and better at blocking the negative feelings associated with hunger. It was all good.

Anyway, I feel heavy tonight and think I will go to bed early. I hope to feel lighter and thinner tomorrow morning.

I guess a/b’s back…….

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,

Will I ever love my self at all?

Taking Stock: A/B vs ME

Taking Stock

Okay, it’s time to take stock of where I am on my journey to freedom so far. What have I learned about the voice of anorexia/bulimia? What support do I have? What weakness has a/b shown? What strategic anti-a/b position can I take to further assist me in my escape?

I have learned about the voice of a/b:

1.       He is a deceiver. Mixing truth with lies. (strength)

2.       He gets aggressive when a prisoner tries to escape (strength)

3.       He makes promises of happiness which he never keeps (weakness)

4.       He hates all forms of fat (Strength)

5.       He loves numbers i.e. counting calories, kilograms, pounds, inches, centimeters etc. (strength)

6.       He loves making me feel worthless, dependent, fat, and ugly and like a joke. (strength)

7.       He hates being seen and exposed (weakness)

8.       He has most of society and the media believing and advocating his lies. (Strength)

9.       He hates me (weakness)

I have learned about me:

1.       I can identify the voice of a/b. (Strength)

2.       I recognize him in society and the media. Even in conversations with friends. (strength)

3.       I have anti-a/b allies. True friends who care for and support me. (strength)

4.       I can be healthier by eating balanced and regularly (strength)

5.       I can eat anything including cake, ice cream, chocolate etc. Moderation and balance is the key. (Strength)

6.       I don’t care to know my weight (Strength)

7.       I can fight back (Strength)

8.       I can escape if I wanted to (Strength)

9.       I don’t hate a/b enough (Weakness)

10.   I’m afraid of being alone and without control (Weakness)

11.   Pain sometimes still feels good. (Weakness)

Wow! Doing it this way makes me realize how strong I have become! :-)

But I can also see where I am still weak and it is clear that I need to continue working on my core beliefs. I think that breaking my deceptive core beliefs will be the final blow to the wall of this a/b prison and freedom will be sure.

I so wish I can take all the other prisoners with me on the day of my escape.

Why not join me? There’s room for everybody!!

Feeling Bad for not Feeling Bad

Feeling bad for not feeling bad…..

What a strange feeling to feel bad for not feeling bad today?? Perhaps I have gotten so used to the constant self-rejection and self-criticism that I now have no idea what to do with feeling okay. Perhaps the voice of a/b is whispering softly that I am not good enough for him and a hopeless loser? I find it difficult to hear its voice although I know it must be the voice of a/b telling me that I should feel bad for feeling good.

Could this be a new strategy on a/b’s part? All I know is the anxiety is still hanging around in the back ground. I’m anxious because I don’t know what to expect. Is this the quiet before the storm? I hate to say this, but I feel more in control when I hear the voice of a/b clearly. I just feel better when I know where he is hiding.

I must admit that as much as I want a/b gone, I’m afraid of being alone, left to fight against life on my own. Why do I feel like I’m betraying a friend? His not my friend………or is he?

I have not done anything drastic to make him hide away. I have not done anything different the last couple of days that would explain the silence. I feel anxious………

I hope a/b is not planning a surprise attack because I don’t need it, not now. I’m finally getting to a place where I feel like some things are falling in place.

It’s really weird not feeling the presence of a/b…………………….

I wonder if any other people suffering from eating disorders experience the same thing??

Ps. it’s weighing day again today and I once again didn’t ask whether I’m up or down, although I am curious to know. I don’t think I ever want to know again.

A Quiet Day

A little rest

The voice of a/b has been quiet today. What a relief! I suppose no one can carry on yapping forever, and a/b can yap!

Anyway, I feel good today. I can focus on my work. The headaches aren’t as bad as yesterday and I feel rather okay. I am aware of anxiety lingering in the back ground, like the calm after the storm but you are not sure if the storm is completely over or not. Anxiety feels like a constant presence, always near.

I have gotten so use to anxiety that I don’t really recognize it as something alien to me anymore. My psychologist had to point it out to me. I wasn’t even aware of anxiety having anything to do with my eating disorder. I was so surprised, but I see things a lot clearer today. Basically what happens is, when things get out of control in my day, stress and anxiety increases. My ritual will then start by me trying to create order around me i.e. cleaning and rearranging my study or work. Once some order has been achieved I automatically feel less anxious which is great. The problem is that by trying to control my external environment, I’m setting myself up for anxiety to return because the only constant in life is change and there is nothing I can do about it. So, I suppose I learned how to control my weight, after all, all I have to do is keep my mouth closed. How difficult is that? I feel in control, people rave when I lose weight and I feel better about myself. The world can come to an end, I’m at peace. Presto!!

Now that I can’t control my body I’m back to square one, trying to figure out how I can regain that feeling of control and peace using other ways. I still have to find that answer……..

I am constantly aware of my restless legs, twitchy fingers and racing thoughts. I feel like a jack in a box just waiting for the lid to open which will release all the tension and fear. What am I anxious about? Who knows? I have no idea. But it does explain how I can finish a plate of food without thinking or really tasting anything and in record time. I’m a sprint eater.

So that is my day for today. I’m enjoying the break……………

Ps. Perhaps A/B ‘s out with its girlfriend ribbbbecka as it is Valentine’s day. I wonder what they will be having for dinner????

I need what A/B has to offer: CONTROL!

There is still a function for a/b in my life.

I thought I had all my bases covered. I thought I had the voice of a/b figured out and I became over confident.

Little did I know, the hold that anorexia/bulimia has over me, extends further into my essence than what I realized. I still need it. I still trust it. I still listen to its voice and I am so afraid of letting him go!

Why?!

Because it offers above average control, which I need to cope with the constant anxiety I am feeling. The fear of not being able to provide for my family, fear of losing all that I have worked for all my life. Fear of exposing my weaknesses and showing the world how absolutely vulnerable I actually am. How scared I am of poverty, of losing those I love and of disappointing those I come in contact with. I just want everyone to be happy. I just want control of my surroundings.

I just want to be happy and not scared anymore!!!

A/B is helping me cope with this constant undertone of fear and anxiety created by past experiences. As soon as I become anxious, I start the create order around me in an attempt to numb the pain of my fears. I take control of everything I can control in order for me to cope with that which I can’t control.

 I can’t fight against a/b in this regard. I still need this extreme control which only a/b can offer me.

I wish I could just trust and move on, but a/b has helped me for most of my life to cope with shock upon shock. Through deaths of two of my parents, through looking after my mother, through having to make it on my own after school. Through looking for work and being rejected over and over again. Not being able to study due to poverty. Through a failed marriage and now in a job which doesn’t fulfill me and with a son I have to see suffer due to poverty and my mistakes. I need a/b to toughen me up and to make me hard. This is the only way I can face the hurt, pain and guilt I am feeling. I hate myself for needing a/b, but I do! I do!

What is the way out? I don’t know. All I know is that I need a/b’s control in order to survive. I do not want to face the hurt on my own.

I am so afraid………

Journal Entry of a 12 Year Old

The voice that makes it hard to eat

The following is a journal entry of a 12-year-old detailing the struggle a/b has with her psychologist.

Hi,

I wanted to talk to you about the voice that makes it hard to eat because it won’t shut up. I don’t think it likes you because it sure argues with what you say a lot. It seems right, even though I like what you say better. Your voice doesn’t give me a headache.

You said that I don’t need to do anything to make my friends like me and you said I’m not just a body. The voice that makes it hard to eat says that’s not true, that people do care about how you look and they won’t like me if I’m not thin because people don’t like and aren’t nice to people who are fat. You said I wasn’t fat. The voice says I am and that I would be happier, feel better, be healthier, and be liked more if I listen to it and not you.

It says it cares about me and is trying to help me. You said please don’t lose weight and that I’m not fat. The voice says that you have to say that stuff to be polite and not hurt my feelings and that’s not really what you think.

The voice says to look at the people who are happy, lovable and successful and they are all thin. I like you and the voice says that you are skinny and that’s the one thing you have going for you. When I listen to the voice my stomach hurts. You say it’s because I’m starving. It says it’s because I’m weak and that if I listen more, I will be stronger. The voice says that everything that’s good needs to be worked hard for and that’s the way life works.

The voice says everyone listens to it and believes it except you and that all I need to do is turn on the television and I will see how right it is because everyone who is happy, lovable, and successful is thin.

The voice says that feelings I had when my Dad called me “fatty” and when that stuff happened that made me want to hide and not be seen by anybody-it can make that feeling go away and I won’t ever feel it again. I like that idea……….

This journal entry could be my own. I'm amazed at the similarities! 

Can anyone relate? is the voice saying the same stuff to you?

Please comment.