Self-pity

Self-pity

I was going journal about the surprise attack from a/b which I experienced last week, but as I was typing the words I once again thought, why should I use my journal as a mouth piece for the voice of a/b?

Pressing the delete key and seeing the words of a/b disappear gave me a pleasure I can’t explain. A sort of freedom and feeling of release which gave me hope; a/b can become silent. It’s not easy, but it’s possible!

The problem, I believe, which most people who suffer from an eating disorder has, is a spirit of self-pity.

I say this with the utmost respect and understanding, as I too was trapped in this pool of self-hatred, self-destruction and self-pity. It’s one thing to fight against something I see as a threat, but it’s very different to fight against something I actually love to hate. What I mean is that as much as I hate the prison of anorexia/bulimia, I also love its promise of protection, safety, control and isolation.

The voice of a/b is telling me, as I’m writing the word “self-pity”, that I am crazy to admit to something as shameful and weak as self-pity. But my answer to a/b is simple; “You, a/b, is the one who used all my negative experiences in life to instill this spirit of self-pity in me, in order to seduce me with your promise that you can “fix” me. By self-pity I have been playing into your hands. By self-pity I wanted to die. By self-pity I enjoyed pain and suffering because by self-pity I thought I deserved the worst and that no good thing will ever happen to me. You, a/b, are self-pity personified and you are evil!!

I refuse to wallow in self-pity going forward. I will fight back until I’m free of you. I will fight until I can love myself completely again. Why? Because I am worth it!!!!!

You do not deserve me! You are pitiful and pathetic. You like suffering and pain and you love bones, death and imprisonment! NOT ME!!!!!

As you can see a/b, I am getting stronger against you by learning the truth about me through my faith in Jesus, and by learning how to spot the deception in all of your promises and seductions.

Your time is up! You have overstayed your welcome and it’s time for you to go!