Alone

Alone

The war against the voice of a/b is mine and mine alone. I can’t expect others to “fix” me. It’s simply too hard. This battle requires endurance and above average strength. A/B is nobody’s fool and it’s most definitely not a walk in a park. I suppose that’s why so many eating disorder sufferers die. These deaths are a clear testimony of the sheer force of the voice of a/b.

I feel weak and alone tonight. My body feels dirty with the food inside it and no matter how long I shower or how hard I scrub my skin, the filth will not wash off. All I can think of is the need to feel hungry again, real hunger that requires self-control and discipline. I want to feel empty again, void of emotions and mental pain which only an empty stomach can deliver.

I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle……....come to thin k of it, I have yet to find a person who are actually cured. I don’t think that person exists. Am I disillusioned to think that I might even stand a chance to win this war? I’m starting to doubt myself.

I wish I didn’t feel like this. I wish I could be strong all the time, I wish I never fell prey to this evil called anorexia/bulimia. But, like a virus, it’s in and I can’t get it out.

I am so tired……………