Another Battle Won!

Another battle won!

In my previous journal entry, I’ve mentioned that I was expecting an attack from anorexia/bulimia during the past weekend. Well, my words wasn’t even cold yet, when the voice of a/b took me up on the challenge.

It’s hard to explain the feeling when the attack happens, but I will try…

First something will trigger me i.e. a place, a person, a taste, an argument, or even just a look from another person. The voice of a/b will then immediately take its opportunity to remind me of just how despicable and ugly and fat and useless and worthless I am. It then simply takes my hand and gently whispers in my ear that the solution to my predicament is simple; Lose weight, and I, a/b can help you do it.

 A/B then reminds me of the times when I was well under its spell and how “in control and happy” I was. It reminds me that the only way to a happy future is by following its demands. It worked in the past, it will work again……. This is a lie! It didn’t work. I just ended up hurting my body and my family. A/B’s answer will then be: “Nothing worthwhile comes easy. It takes dedication, discipline and courage to achieve a worthy place in society and this is not for losers and weaklings. Perhaps you are just too useless to even do such a little thing as to not eat. You deserve to be a joke and a fat ass”.

This is an example of just one of a/b’s many approaches and how hurtful the voice of anorexia/bulimia can be. It gets worse, to such an extent that one starts thinking of suicide and self-harm. The pain and hunger one feels is easier to bear than the constant emotional abuse which the voice of a/b inflicts on a person.

So this past weekend it happened again. Just like the weekend before. The voice of a/b attacked without warning. My trigger was a mirror in the escalator at our local mall. This was followed by an incredible intense awareness of my body and I started to frantically compare myself with other people in the mall. The voice of a/b will point out certain aspects of someone’s body and immediately refer to my own body as not good enough. Whether it was male or female didn’t matter, all I started doing was measuring and dressing, undressing and even weighing these people in my mind. I just didn’t fit. I felt like hiding out of sight.

So, how can I title today’s journal entry as “another battle won”? Because I didn’t lose!!!!!!

Being attached by the voice of a/b is not the problem. It’s how I deal with it which causes me to suffer defeat or triumph in victory. And every time I win, the stronger I get, the weaker a/b gets and that’s all that matters.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s incredibly hard and I can now understand why I lost so many battles in the past. No! It’s not easy, but, it’s not impossible!

My strength lays in the fact that I am eating and my body is feeling great. I know how my body felt when I wasn’t eating and I have learned of the damage I have done to my body. I know that my metabolism slows down when I don’t eat and that by eating regular balanced meals throughout the day will increase my metabolism which is healthier for the body. 

This is a practical example of how I counter a/b’s rhetoric and arguments. So, in spite of the assault from a/b, I once again continued eating according to my meal plan and anyone who struggles with a/b will agree that this is a major victory.

My body feels fine today, I feel good and am looking forward to the day when a/b finally packs its backs and leave.

The ultimate victory is yet to be won!