New Inspiration

New Inspiration!

The new dietician turned out to be great. She understands my thought pattern and is eager to start a journey with me. I really appreciated her honesty when I asked her whether she has an issue with weight herself, and she admitted that she too can eat a whole slab of chocolate if she didn’t apply self-discipline and restraint. She reaffirmed what my first dietician said about food, that as part of a healthy and balanced diet, one can and should eat the whole spectrum of foods, including deserts. It’s not the food that is the problem, but rather the frequency and quantity I’m consuming. So BALANCE is key. But your’r fat and ugly….

I still struggle with this all or nothing thinking. I can’t not eat, and I can’t binge either. You’re either fat or thin, ugly or beautiful, accepted or rejected, loved or unloved, successful or an absolute failure. Now I have to learn that everything doesn’t have to be perfect and in its place, and it’s so hard. It’s like I can’t function if there isn’t any structure or order around me. I find peace in order!

The voice of a/b started again yesterday while I was sitting in the reception area at the dietician’s office. While I was filling in forms, another person was sitting opposite me. She was so thin….. She must have a real problem I thought. You are not thin enough to be taken seriously. The dietician sees people with real problems, you are just a joke and nobody is taking you seriously. I tried my best not to stare, but I was envious of her and wished in the most secret place of my heart that I could be just as beautiful.

The rest of my day was horrible. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I’m never going to be anorexic enough. I will never have the opportunity to prove to everyone that I too have the self-discipline to be thinner than anybody. I know that I can do it. I know it! But I’m never going to be allowed to prove it and I’m frustrated by that.

I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist!! I really need to up my dosage of antidepressants………. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!