A Fake Friend

Thoughts

Anorexia/Bulimia introduced itself to me from a very young age. Like every teenager I was searching for my identity, acceptance and acknowledgement. The message I was shown was that “thin” is good. “Thin” is successful and most of all “Thin” guarantees acceptance.

My mom has always been on diets and I was made aware of the negative effects of certain foods from a very young age. I too was plumpish and made the assumption that this is bad. Other people will praise me every time I lost a little weight and the feeling it gave me about myself was incredible.

Comparing me to others became the norm and I noticed that all the successful people I knew were tall and thin and my family was fat and poor. So, a/b’s seduction started and it started befriending me by saying that it can help me find success, happiness, friends, joy and love. All I’ll have to do is follow a/b’s instructions very carefully and the results will be sure. A/B became my friend and task master and I loved the inner strength and control a/b gave me. I could restrict, over-exercise and punish myself, and it made me feel strong. As I would lose weight people with weight issues asked me for advice and I looked down at them with contempt and shame. They are all losers. No self-control and weak. They deserve to be fat and ugly. They are disgusting and repulsive. I hate all fat people!! I do not ever want to be associated with them. I fear it will be contagious and I do not want to even be seen with them.

At the age of 18 I was very thin, eating almost nothing.  Cycling 18 kilometers with a heavy bag on my back every day, and over-exercising in my room. I spent most weekends working in the garden and alone. I lived in my mind, dreaming of a beautiful perfect body and success.  In my dreams everybody wanted to know me and I was loved. This fueled my determination to go for gold. I had will power like no one else I knew. I didn’t need anyone. Everybody makes fun of me anyway. I’ll show them!

So, A/B was established in my mind, body and thoughts and my voice didn’t matter any longer. Who am I without a/b anyway. A nobody, a joke and an embarrassment to myself and others.

Back to today…

A/b oppressed my voice and my true identity to such an extent that by the time I finally got to a rehab center at the age of 34, I no longer knew who I was. I didn’t know anything about me except for the fact that I hated myself. I couldn’t look at my reflection in anything. I wanted to DIE!!! Rehab was my call for help because I finally got to the stage where I stopped eating altogether. This was it I thought; I’ll rather be an anorexic corps than alive and fat.

If you are in the grip of anorexia/bulimia, I would like to warn you that a/b is not your friend. It seeks to destroy your life, hopes and dreams. And who cares what other people think. I have just as much right to have life as the next person. Fight against a/b. Never stop!! Never stop!! Never stop!!