Win Some, Lose Some

I win some and lose some

I can clearly see when reading my past journal entries, that the battle against the voice of a/b is a win some, lose some war. Some battles I win, other battles are a/b’s victory, but I remember that winning the war is much more complicated than just winning a battle.

I use each victory and defeat to learn more about my enemy. I’ve noticed that the only way to win certain onslaughts are to disengage i.e. to simply stop the voice of a/b through distraction. I do this by watching TV or sleeping or listening to inspirational music on my iPod. So by the way, my iPod is a great weapon. It’s small enough to carry around with me and it’s preloaded with bombs of inspiration and strength. Once I’ve had time to recover I will examine a/b’s rhetoric and search for the lies. You see, a/b uses deception to win battles. Deception is a truth laced with a lie. Because truth is part of the mix, I believe it and cannot challenge it. After all, it is the truth and if I deny it, I will be lying to myself and find myself in denial. However, the secret is to face the truth, even if it hurts and then search for the lie which is very cleverly hidden and interwoven with the truth.

When I am lied to, and I know it’s a lie, I do not believe it and I can reject it. This is not an effective weapon for a/b. But, if I’m deceived, it means that I believe it and cannot see the lie. If I believe something that isn’t true, I’m deceived and powerless to fight back. This is the most powerful weapon of Anorexia/Bulimia. We believe all of its lies and deceptions. Examples of what I am saying are clear throughout my previous journal entries.

I need to be patient with my recovery. I remind myself that the voice of a/b has had many years to study my weaknesses. I have only been made aware if him in October 2011, just five months ago.

So, the battle continues and I am so thankful to be alive and well.