Acceptance

Busy, Busy, Busy….

-Performance equals Acceptance- I believe this statement. I’ve always had to prove myself worthy. I never learned how to just be.

To just be sounds so unrealistic in this day and age. No one can just be. If you want to survive and be accepted, one has to perform and be successful. This is what I believe today. Prove me wrong!! I dare you!!

If I don’t comply with the status quo of society, I am labeled a loser and a failure and nobody wants to be associated with a person like that. Just ask yourself the question, will you want to be seen socializing with tramps and hobo’s? Not a chance! That’s exactly my point.

This is exactly why I need to perform, whether it’s financially, physically, spiritually or socially makes no difference. I need to have my wheel of responsibilities in a perfect circle. However, keeping all of the above in perfect balance is a near impossible task for me and that’s why the easiest form of self-acceptance I know I can reach is losing weight through restriction and control. Screw all these people’s opinions. At least I will be happy with myself. A thin and happy me! I will be able to cut myself off from all these unrealistic expectations everyone has of me and just be. Isn’t that what my new psychologist said, that I should just be? One can only just be, if one has everything and I have lack of nothing.

I feel broken after my session, like I have no hope of truly recovering. There was too much damage done in my life and my mind got screwed beyond repair. The medication doesn’t seem to be working…. I am overwhelmed and afraid. The future is uncertain and I am lost in a dark forest with no light at all.

How can I every just be, and be accepted and happy?