Irrational Thoughts of A/B

Irrational thoughts of the voice of Anorexia/Bulimia

After my session with my psychologist yesterday, I battled to focus on anything, let alone journaling. Anyway, I feel a little better today and thought I should journal my thoughts.

We discussed one of my core beliefs; the thought that I am a joke and that no one have or ever will take me seriously, including my psychologist, psychiatrist and to a certain extent, my dietician. If only I could have been a better Anorexic. If only I could have been at deaths door, perhaps then I will be taken seriously. Everybody knows that there is nothing wrong with me. However, they humor me and find me an interesting case study. I feel I can’t trust anyone and that I am alone. To be loved means I have to earn it and I don’t deserve anything. What a loser. What a wane be!

My psychologist mentioned the fact that this core belief is creating distrust between us and will counter my recovery process. So, she asked the question whether it could possibly be the voice of a/b telling me that no one’s taking me seriously. Perhaps it’s a/b who is fighting against my recovery. Perhaps a/b’s telling me that I am not a worthy anorexic and that I once again do not deserve treatment.

One characteristic of the voice of a/b is that nothing I do is ever good enough. It requires always more, better, thinner, smarter etc. and as soon as I think I might have made it, it moves the goalposts just a little further.

So, it seems I have a problem. Even though I counter irrational thoughts with better, more rational ones it doesn’t really help because I believe the irrational thought more. The irrational thought has become my CORE BELIEF. How will I now counter these thoughts? I have no idea. It seems that the voice of a/b has become part of me to some degree. How do I separate me from myself?

My psychologist has a few tricks up her sleeve, or so I hope. All I know is that the voice of a/b has done more damage to me than what I originally thought and for the first time, I really feel CRAZY!

A Fake Friend

Thoughts

Anorexia/Bulimia introduced itself to me from a very young age. Like every teenager I was searching for my identity, acceptance and acknowledgement. The message I was shown was that “thin” is good. “Thin” is successful and most of all “Thin” guarantees acceptance.

My mom has always been on diets and I was made aware of the negative effects of certain foods from a very young age. I too was plumpish and made the assumption that this is bad. Other people will praise me every time I lost a little weight and the feeling it gave me about myself was incredible.

Comparing me to others became the norm and I noticed that all the successful people I knew were tall and thin and my family was fat and poor. So, a/b’s seduction started and it started befriending me by saying that it can help me find success, happiness, friends, joy and love. All I’ll have to do is follow a/b’s instructions very carefully and the results will be sure. A/B became my friend and task master and I loved the inner strength and control a/b gave me. I could restrict, over-exercise and punish myself, and it made me feel strong. As I would lose weight people with weight issues asked me for advice and I looked down at them with contempt and shame. They are all losers. No self-control and weak. They deserve to be fat and ugly. They are disgusting and repulsive. I hate all fat people!! I do not ever want to be associated with them. I fear it will be contagious and I do not want to even be seen with them.

At the age of 18 I was very thin, eating almost nothing.  Cycling 18 kilometers with a heavy bag on my back every day, and over-exercising in my room. I spent most weekends working in the garden and alone. I lived in my mind, dreaming of a beautiful perfect body and success.  In my dreams everybody wanted to know me and I was loved. This fueled my determination to go for gold. I had will power like no one else I knew. I didn’t need anyone. Everybody makes fun of me anyway. I’ll show them!

So, A/B was established in my mind, body and thoughts and my voice didn’t matter any longer. Who am I without a/b anyway. A nobody, a joke and an embarrassment to myself and others.

Back to today…

A/b oppressed my voice and my true identity to such an extent that by the time I finally got to a rehab center at the age of 34, I no longer knew who I was. I didn’t know anything about me except for the fact that I hated myself. I couldn’t look at my reflection in anything. I wanted to DIE!!! Rehab was my call for help because I finally got to the stage where I stopped eating altogether. This was it I thought; I’ll rather be an anorexic corps than alive and fat.

If you are in the grip of anorexia/bulimia, I would like to warn you that a/b is not your friend. It seeks to destroy your life, hopes and dreams. And who cares what other people think. I have just as much right to have life as the next person. Fight against a/b. Never stop!! Never stop!! Never stop!!