Facing my addiction

Facing my addiction

I thought that by going into this secret place I could escape my pain, but I now realize that my pain was always there; I brought it with me.

The way to get rid of any addiction is to face it with the determination to fight back to the very end. That is the only remedy, the only way out of this prison and the only way to complete freedom. This is what I am learning in my journey fighting against my distorted eating addiction; and I am winning!

Giving up a dream is so very difficult. And my dream of being skinny, tall and “perfect” is the very poison that was killing me. Letting go of the dream, letting go of what I believed to be to only way to happiness and control is what my struggle is all about. I almost want to imply that most people struggling with anorexia/bulimia, has the same secret dream, pushing us through the pain of self-harm and starvation.

It is this drive to fight through hunger and starvation which becomes the addiction. The feeling of accomplishment and self-acceptance is addictive, especially when it takes a “special, self-disciplined and powerful” person to accomplish this by starvation, or so I believed. The truth is that it takes someone who is so scared, so alone and in so much emotional pain, to get to this place of deception.

The world is a selfish and cruel place and if I do not surround myself with “real” and loving people, I will be alone even when in a large crowd. This is why support and understanding without judgment has been so important to my recovery. When my voice was heard and understood, I felt some self-worth again.

Please don’t judge someone suffering from an eating disorder. Those who judge are without understanding and are probably trapped in their own selfish little world. They cause more hurt and pain and it just adds fuel to the fire. A person with an eating disorder becomes more determined and more powerful when faced with constant ridicule from others, especially from those people whom they trust or admire.

 It is all about the need for acceptance, love, security and understanding for me and I subsequently fell into my addiction which would then drive me to greater “heights” of accomplishment if I felt insecure, unloved, rejected and misunderstood. Hence the fact that I became “better and better” it perfecting my eating disorder. I have to believe that one can get so good at ones addiction i.e. an eating disorder that one eventually dies by it feeling victorious. That is the irrational thought pattern I had to deal with. I remember saying to my therapist; “I would rather die thin than live with fat”. I now see my sick belief system.

I guess today’s journal entry is all about facing the truth head on and refusing to back down from the fight. It’s so hard thinking that my dream will now never materialize, but it’s a much greater thought that I can live free, happy and with true peace and contentment.

Now that’s worth living for!!!!