Hope

Hope

“Hope is a good thing, and a good thing never dies.” The Shawshank Redemtion.

This phrase became imprinted in my mind many years ago whilst watching my favorite film at the time, for the umpteenth time. Today, I can finally say that I truly understand the meaning of the word, “HOPE”.

Hope; “To cherish a desire of good with some expectation of fulfillment”, in other words to believe that something better is coming and I have this expectation today!

It’s incredible how Jesus can change a person. Late last year I would never have believed that I had any hope of a future and finding unconditional love was just a fairytale, a myth. But today I can truly say that hope is alive and well and His name is JESUS! Love has a voice; Love has a name, JESUS! JESUS!

The scary thing is that I always had hope and love; but self-hatred, self-rejection, fear and shame didn’t allow me to see it. I wasn’t allowed by guilt and a/b to believe that I am loved. You see, I have learned that the voice of anorexia/bulimia is all about rejection, pain, hatred guilt and shame. A/B doesn’t love me. He has never loved me and woven into his empty promises were the poison of death. How could I have believed anything the voice of a/b said to me?

But, I have grace for myself because, like I’m sure anybody suffering under a/b will agree, It is not easy in that dark hole to think clearly. How can anyone think clearly when the brain is starved of nutrients and rest? How can anyone think clearly when a/b’s rhetoric is a nonstop noise in ones ear? No! Anybody will have the same struggle as I had.

A/B is becoming weaker now. It has lost its hold over me as I continue to discern between its truth and Jesus’s truth about me. It’s incredible how a/b cannot stand against the real truth. It can’t argue even when it tries. It can’t stand! THERE IS HOPE!!!!

There is freedom for those willing to fight the hard battle against anorexia/bulimia, but don’t attempt this alone. Get support from Christian psychologists and dietitians. Surround yourself with Christian anti-a/b people and get to the feet of Jesus. This is where I am at the moment and its safe, warm, loving, merciful and peaceful here. I should have done this years ago, but I was too stubborn and hard hatred. I thought in my heart that Jesus was just a myth, a lie to subdue the human race into a submissive herd.

Today I see how stupid I was to think this. Jesus is alive and well and He is just waiting to stretch out His hand to rescue anyone who asks Him. Just do it! Why wait until you get to the gates of death? Why wait until your body is damaged and broken? Why wait when you can have it now?

 So there is hope, but it will take a step of faith to get to this place. It will take another battle against unbelief which you will need to conquer, and this is where most people fail. Unbelief is powerful but necessary to get to a place of victory. In fact, it’s essential.

I hope that the person reading my journal will give Jesus a chance. He rescued me and He will surely rescue you.

Suicide

Suicide

I’ve heard yesterday that a dear friend of mine, who is also suffering under the spell of a/b, tried to commit suicide a couple of weeks ago.

Although I made myself available as support and sponsor, she didn’t contact me for support, and as such, I had no idea of the massive onslaught from the voice of anorexia/bulimia on her. Not that I could have done anything to help her or even stop her; it’s about not having to ever fight alone. The struggle with an eating disorder needs to be resisted with the love and support of others. It is an epic battle and there is and will always be collateral damage.

I need and appreciate all the anti-a/b support I can get, and believe me, there aren’t many anti-a/b people around.

 I’m just so thankful that someone found her in time and rushed her off to hospital. She is doing fine now and will hopefully not attempt it again. I pray she doesn’t ever try this again.

One thing is sure, A/B will strike again and she will be faced with the same temptation to end it all again. I speak of my own experience with a/b. It will never give up. It is fighting for its very life, and so should we.

I once again didn’t weigh yesterday and I must say that I haven’t even thought about it today. I suppose this is good. Very good!

Anyway, I’m advancing at a realistic and balanced pace on my road to recovery. I feel kind of confidant that I can actually be free from a/b one day SOON!

Facing my addiction

Facing my addiction

I thought that by going into this secret place I could escape my pain, but I now realize that my pain was always there; I brought it with me.

The way to get rid of any addiction is to face it with the determination to fight back to the very end. That is the only remedy, the only way out of this prison and the only way to complete freedom. This is what I am learning in my journey fighting against my distorted eating addiction; and I am winning!

Giving up a dream is so very difficult. And my dream of being skinny, tall and “perfect” is the very poison that was killing me. Letting go of the dream, letting go of what I believed to be to only way to happiness and control is what my struggle is all about. I almost want to imply that most people struggling with anorexia/bulimia, has the same secret dream, pushing us through the pain of self-harm and starvation.

It is this drive to fight through hunger and starvation which becomes the addiction. The feeling of accomplishment and self-acceptance is addictive, especially when it takes a “special, self-disciplined and powerful” person to accomplish this by starvation, or so I believed. The truth is that it takes someone who is so scared, so alone and in so much emotional pain, to get to this place of deception.

The world is a selfish and cruel place and if I do not surround myself with “real” and loving people, I will be alone even when in a large crowd. This is why support and understanding without judgment has been so important to my recovery. When my voice was heard and understood, I felt some self-worth again.

Please don’t judge someone suffering from an eating disorder. Those who judge are without understanding and are probably trapped in their own selfish little world. They cause more hurt and pain and it just adds fuel to the fire. A person with an eating disorder becomes more determined and more powerful when faced with constant ridicule from others, especially from those people whom they trust or admire.

 It is all about the need for acceptance, love, security and understanding for me and I subsequently fell into my addiction which would then drive me to greater “heights” of accomplishment if I felt insecure, unloved, rejected and misunderstood. Hence the fact that I became “better and better” it perfecting my eating disorder. I have to believe that one can get so good at ones addiction i.e. an eating disorder that one eventually dies by it feeling victorious. That is the irrational thought pattern I had to deal with. I remember saying to my therapist; “I would rather die thin than live with fat”. I now see my sick belief system.

I guess today’s journal entry is all about facing the truth head on and refusing to back down from the fight. It’s so hard thinking that my dream will now never materialize, but it’s a much greater thought that I can live free, happy and with true peace and contentment.

Now that’s worth living for!!!!

My Prayer

My Prayer

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for never letting go of me and for lifting me out of my troubles. Where will my help come from? No one could save me. Only you had the answers to all my questions.

Thank you for showing me that the voice of anorexia/bulimia had nothing to do with me and that I am beautiful and perfect in your eyes. Thank you for exposing the intentions and existence of a/b and for providing me with specific available people who knows and loves you, people who made themselves available to your service.

The pain of guilt, self-hatred and self-rejection was unbearable and the voice of a/b used this to seduce me to obey all of its commands. It told me that I was alone and that no one cared for me, except for a/b. It told me that even you rejected me and that the only reason that I’m alive is to suffer for my guilt and shame. It told me that I’m a good for nothing and that I was worth nothing, a BIG FAT ZERO! So, I believed that I needed a/b to help me cope with this nightmare called “Life”. It made me believe that I could have pleasure through pain and that pain was good. Death is good, and isolation and secrecy is power.

But he lied!!! He always deceives!

You Jesus have made me in your image and likeness and I understand this to mean that I am special, very special. You showed me that I am loved and loved unconditionally. Today I know that I am not alone. Thank you Jesus!!

You teach me every day how to fight back against a/b and you rescue me every time a/b’s assault becomes too great. A/B is too strong and too smart for the average person, but not for you. You showed ma again today that you are in control and that a/b doesn’t stand a chance when you get involved.

Please don’t forget about the thousands of others people in the prison of anorexia/bulimia. Please open their eyes to your truth and the real truth about a/b. Please help everyone to see that a/b is not a friend. It doesn’t care for anyone but himself and that all he wants is to exist even if it means killing its host. Please show these people the same love and grace which you have shown me.

I have humbled myself before you and have asked for forgiveness for everything I have done against your love for me. You heard me and forgave me. You accepted me into your garden and held me in your arms. You gave me hope and reason to live, reason to love and reason to trust. Thank you for this freedom and grace.

I love you Jesus!

Why Weigh?

Why Weigh?

Today is weighing day again and I have made an anti-a/b decision not to weigh myself this week. So, a/b is going nuts in my head regarding this, and I feel a strange feeling of satisfaction of seeing a/b freaking out J

The strange thing is that I was convinced that a/b was this unbeatable powerful force which no one should or could ever challenge. Now my opinion is changing to the contrary. A/B is losing its power by my anti-a/b decisions and actions.

Make no mistake, It’s not easy and I will never say to a fellow prisoner of a/b that they should just get over it or that they should stop feeling sorry for themselves. If only it was this easy to fee oneself from the overwhelming hold of anorexia/bulimia. It’s a battle to the death. It always has been my life or a/b’s life, but both of us can’t stay alive together. One must die and it is not going to me!!

To those reading my journal I would like to specify specific anti-a/b decisions and actions which work for me. Perhaps you will find value in my experience.

Anti-A/B Decisions & Actions:

-          No Secrets! I tell my anti-a/b allies about when I restrict/ binge or stray from my meal plan

-          No Silence! I verbalize everything the voice of a/b says to my anti-a/b allies. I do this immediately when a/b’s rhetoric starts. They can assist me then with dissecting the deception and help me find the rational truth. Don’t forget to journal!

-          No Numbers! Hence not ever knowing my weight, not even if my weight went up or down. Also not knowing how many Calories is packed in my daily meal plan.

-          No Restricting! Even when no one’s watching me. I eat regular and balanced throughout the day.

-          No Guilt for eating, even when I feel as big as a whale! This is a difficult one, but it is essential to my recovery because it’s the worst weapon the voice of a/b has against me.

-          Not believing the lies of a/b i.e. how bad and worthless he says I am! No body’s perfect and I am allowed to be a normal person with my own faults and failings.

-          Not forgetting Jesus! Jesus tells me that I am worth more than anything. Why would he have died for me if I wasn’t special and worthwhile to him? The truth about who I am is found by spending time with Jesus.

I just wish that people who don’t know the struggle we have with an eating disorder, would make the effort to try and understand, because they can, and often do more harm than good. Recovering from an eating disorder starts with understanding, and then the hard work begins. It’s a long and hard battle with many failures and victories along the way, but if one can continue fighting back, freedom, happiness and peace are sure.

I will continue to use the value of resilience and the grace of God to fight with all my strength for my freedom. I hope you do too.

Self-pity

Self-pity

I was going journal about the surprise attack from a/b which I experienced last week, but as I was typing the words I once again thought, why should I use my journal as a mouth piece for the voice of a/b?

Pressing the delete key and seeing the words of a/b disappear gave me a pleasure I can’t explain. A sort of freedom and feeling of release which gave me hope; a/b can become silent. It’s not easy, but it’s possible!

The problem, I believe, which most people who suffer from an eating disorder has, is a spirit of self-pity.

I say this with the utmost respect and understanding, as I too was trapped in this pool of self-hatred, self-destruction and self-pity. It’s one thing to fight against something I see as a threat, but it’s very different to fight against something I actually love to hate. What I mean is that as much as I hate the prison of anorexia/bulimia, I also love its promise of protection, safety, control and isolation.

The voice of a/b is telling me, as I’m writing the word “self-pity”, that I am crazy to admit to something as shameful and weak as self-pity. But my answer to a/b is simple; “You, a/b, is the one who used all my negative experiences in life to instill this spirit of self-pity in me, in order to seduce me with your promise that you can “fix” me. By self-pity I have been playing into your hands. By self-pity I wanted to die. By self-pity I enjoyed pain and suffering because by self-pity I thought I deserved the worst and that no good thing will ever happen to me. You, a/b, are self-pity personified and you are evil!!

I refuse to wallow in self-pity going forward. I will fight back until I’m free of you. I will fight until I can love myself completely again. Why? Because I am worth it!!!!!

You do not deserve me! You are pitiful and pathetic. You like suffering and pain and you love bones, death and imprisonment! NOT ME!!!!!

As you can see a/b, I am getting stronger against you by learning the truth about me through my faith in Jesus, and by learning how to spot the deception in all of your promises and seductions.

Your time is up! You have overstayed your welcome and it’s time for you to go!