From Worthless to Worthwhile

From worthless to worthwhile

Worthless:

My eating disorder is based on the need for acceptance, love and self-worth. What that means is that I learned from a very young age that society judges an individual by what they see i.e. “You are what you eat” or “A healthy body houses a health spirit”. So, it is obvious that if I eat fat I am fat and that a fat body houses a poor, sickly, useless and undisciplined spirit. You see what I mean……….?

I was slightly overweight as a young teenager and as such was never good enough and people weren’t shy to comment that I should lose some weight. The people who made these comments, where thin, athletic, successful and attractive. Where my family was poor, these “perfect” people seemed to have it all. The voice of anorexia/bulimia used this fact to “prove” that fat made me bad, stupid, ugly, worthless and hopeless. It seduced me by instilling the belief that if I lost weight, I would be like them, “perfect, beautiful, intelligent and successful”.

So, as long as I wasn’t as slim and fit and tall as them, I was worthless, and since then, from the age of 15 until today, age 34, I felt worthless. That’s 19years of self-hatred and self-rejection.

The thought that I lost out on enjoying my teens and twenties, flares up deep anger and regret.

How could I have been so stupid? Why did these so called “perfect” people not know what they were doing to me? How could adults allow their children to think this way?

No use crying over spilled milk. I need to reclaim the rest of my life and the time is now.

Worthwhile:

Who am I today?

I am a unique person. There has never, and will never be another person like me!

I am not perfect. But nobody is!

I have opportunities to live my life to the fullest.

I have people in my life that loves and accepts me for who I am. I do not need pro a/b people in my life. There are enough anti-a/b people I can choose from.

I have inner strength. The fight against anorexia/bulimia proves this.

I have hope!!! Every day is one step closer to freedom.

I can love.

So, how can anybody be worthless when they are unique? There is only one of me! Only one who can be who I am! How can I be worthless? According to what standard? According to who’s opinion?

No! I am worthwhile just like I am. I am worthwhile by just being me!

Another Battle Won!

Another battle won!

In my previous journal entry, I’ve mentioned that I was expecting an attack from anorexia/bulimia during the past weekend. Well, my words wasn’t even cold yet, when the voice of a/b took me up on the challenge.

It’s hard to explain the feeling when the attack happens, but I will try…

First something will trigger me i.e. a place, a person, a taste, an argument, or even just a look from another person. The voice of a/b will then immediately take its opportunity to remind me of just how despicable and ugly and fat and useless and worthless I am. It then simply takes my hand and gently whispers in my ear that the solution to my predicament is simple; Lose weight, and I, a/b can help you do it.

 A/B then reminds me of the times when I was well under its spell and how “in control and happy” I was. It reminds me that the only way to a happy future is by following its demands. It worked in the past, it will work again……. This is a lie! It didn’t work. I just ended up hurting my body and my family. A/B’s answer will then be: “Nothing worthwhile comes easy. It takes dedication, discipline and courage to achieve a worthy place in society and this is not for losers and weaklings. Perhaps you are just too useless to even do such a little thing as to not eat. You deserve to be a joke and a fat ass”.

This is an example of just one of a/b’s many approaches and how hurtful the voice of anorexia/bulimia can be. It gets worse, to such an extent that one starts thinking of suicide and self-harm. The pain and hunger one feels is easier to bear than the constant emotional abuse which the voice of a/b inflicts on a person.

So this past weekend it happened again. Just like the weekend before. The voice of a/b attacked without warning. My trigger was a mirror in the escalator at our local mall. This was followed by an incredible intense awareness of my body and I started to frantically compare myself with other people in the mall. The voice of a/b will point out certain aspects of someone’s body and immediately refer to my own body as not good enough. Whether it was male or female didn’t matter, all I started doing was measuring and dressing, undressing and even weighing these people in my mind. I just didn’t fit. I felt like hiding out of sight.

So, how can I title today’s journal entry as “another battle won”? Because I didn’t lose!!!!!!

Being attached by the voice of a/b is not the problem. It’s how I deal with it which causes me to suffer defeat or triumph in victory. And every time I win, the stronger I get, the weaker a/b gets and that’s all that matters.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s incredibly hard and I can now understand why I lost so many battles in the past. No! It’s not easy, but, it’s not impossible!

My strength lays in the fact that I am eating and my body is feeling great. I know how my body felt when I wasn’t eating and I have learned of the damage I have done to my body. I know that my metabolism slows down when I don’t eat and that by eating regular balanced meals throughout the day will increase my metabolism which is healthier for the body. 

This is a practical example of how I counter a/b’s rhetoric and arguments. So, in spite of the assault from a/b, I once again continued eating according to my meal plan and anyone who struggles with a/b will agree that this is a major victory.

My body feels fine today, I feel good and am looking forward to the day when a/b finally packs its backs and leave.

The ultimate victory is yet to be won!