The Demon Anorexia/Bulimia Exposed

The demon Anorexia/Bulimia exposed

People don’t really get what I mean by the voice of AB. AB isn’t a figment of my imagination or an excuse to justify my behaviour. The voice of Anorexia/Bulimia is a very real entity. A demonic force determined to stay hidden. Determined to isolate and ultimately destroy its victims.

It’s incredible how the so called “experts” like to treat people suffering with an eating disorder as the eating disorder itself. Why can’t they recognize the presence of an external influence? They play directly into AB’s hands by making the victim the one to blame for their condition. This only pushes the suffer further away and causes the further internalization of their relationship with AB. AB uses the therapists approach as “proof” that the victim is in fact a failure and then reaffirms its plan to help “fix” the sufferer. AB wins every time a therapist refuses to recognize its voice, presence and influence.

Following is a letter from this Demonic Spirit Called Anorexia/Bulimia. 

Letter From Ana

Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Anna. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you.

In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely nowhere! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.

Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look...fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell you the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.

But I am about to change all that.

I expect a lot from you. You are not allowed to eat much. It will start slowly: decreasing of fat intake, reading the nutrition labels, cutting out junk food, fried food, etc. For a while, the exercise will be simple: some running, perhaps some crunches and some sit-ups. Nothing too serious. Perhaps drop a few pounds, take a little off of that fat tub of a stomach. But it won't be long before I tell you that it isn't good enough.

I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurring together as one.

I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount your calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.

Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything... if you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.

Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will open slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self-control, you are going to get fat.

When it is over, you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain!

Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen! Who cares?! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.

Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please.

I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.

Sincerely, Anna

Can anyone relate? Does anyone recognise the voice of AB in their own struggle? I have read comments from victims from different backgrounds, nationalities ages etc. saying the exact same thing. Why is it that everyone hears the same rhetoric?

I’ll leave you to decide…………………………….

A word from my dietician

Many people feel very frustrated and overwhelmed because it seems like the more they try to loose weight, the more they actually gain! 

Often with dieting they might loose some weight, but then just gain everything they have lost plus more!  This common phenomenon is called yo-yo dieting.  There are a couple of reasons why your body responds to dieting in this way, especially when the diet is very restrictive.

Firstly when we restrict food intake, our bodies perceive that we are in starvation mode, and respond by slowing down the metabolism.  This means that we need less energy to maintain the same body weight.  By supplying the body with a regular supply of energy we maintain a fast metabolism.

Secondly dieting has an effect the hormones that affect hunger, appetite and satiety.  Two of these hormones are especially of importance.   A hormone called leptin is produced in the healthy functioning body in response to the presence of fat to suppress appetite.  This helps to regulate body weight.  When we restrict food intake, however, the production of it is impaired and will lead to lack of appetite control.  Another hormone called Ghrelin stimulates hunger and feeding.  Ghrelin levels are highest in lean individuals and lowest in obese.  Increased levels of this hormone are seen in people who are dieting, leading to increased hunger in dieting individuals.

It is interesting that a large proportion of women exhibit a poor relationship with food.  Generally men seem to have a better relationship with food and therefore find it easier to stick to a diet and loose weight.  Interestingly though, it has been found that when men start dieting, they also obscure their relationship with food and might develop binge eating disorder.  This is what was found in a study conducted almost 50 years ago by the University of Minnesota (Keys et al, 1950).  Young, healthy (physically and mentally) men were studied while restricting their food intake for 6 months.
One of the most striking changes observed was a dramatic increase in preoccupation with food.  In the study presently discussed, the men became so preoccupied with thoughts of food and eating, that it became increasingly difficult to concentrate on usual activities.  They became intensely interested in cookbooks, menus and food bulletins and started collecting recipes and even other kitchen items.
Most of the men experienced hunger during the restrictive phase of the study and for a few this led to a complete breakdown in control and subsequent bingeing episodes.  Binge eating was inevitably followed by self-reproach.  After bingeing one of the participants suffered a severe emotional upset, with nausea, and vomited.  He felt disgusted with himself and expressed self-criticism.  Sadly, during the re-feeding phase of the study, many of the subjects have lost control of their appetite and “ate more or less continuously”.
These are very common patterns seen in people following or trying to follow restrictive diets.